Neeext!

Leo has seemed so much better the last couple of nights, his cough has really died down. He's got nasty nappy rash from a missed poop at nursery, but other than that he's been great.

I actually managed some decent sleep last night too, things are looking up...... Until just now, I took Leo's temp as he felt warm and it's almost 39 degrees. I was out with him and thought he was warm, assumed it was his teeth though as he wasn't being grouchy but took his temp when I got home anyway, clearly it isn't his teeth.

There is a nasty cold going around nursery apparently, I guess it's that. That should knock him back for another few weeks and if it goes to his chest, as all things seem to, then who knows when we'll all get another good night hey!

Plus side, my back has felt tonnes better for the break; minus side, Sammy decided to attack the next door neighbours dog through the fence and I fell a right cropper trying to get him back, back is once again returned to fucked status.

Pretty perfect really

I have MISSED this

Today is what all standard workers lovingly refer to as hump day. For me, these lovely Wednesdays are my super productive day.

It's the day I do an 11 hour shift to make up my hours, I go to the gym before work and have a good 1.5hr session. Currently I can only do low intensity stuff, but damn I have missed it.

I have done a workout in both my lunch hours for the past two days and they aren't long enough, but I'm taking them and when I can start pushing it then I will achieve much more from a quick HITT session.

This morning I started my day at 3.30 when I woke up to a sleeping baby. He'd not moved since 10 the night before and obviously I then had to go in and check him. He was fine, sleeping really heavily, but so much better! Obviously at this point my brain kicked in to all the stuff I needed to do today and things I hadn't done already.. Sleep was a thing dreams are made of at this point, so I got up properly.

I have no doubt that today is going to be tough and I will my beautiful boy horrendously as he will also be snoozing when I get home! But I am back on it and I love it!

Day 1, done

It was my first official day back of full time work. I've been doing keep in touch days, so it was no big deal, it will be a gradual decline of energy as the week goes on I'd imagine.

Leo had a terrible night last night, and we (Tom and me) both ended up being wide awake by 3.30 so we sat watching TV and had a brew. Needless to say, it made for a ridiculously long day.

It was the first day back at the gym too. I forgot my sports bra and was too hot in the kit I took, so could do very little. Not too bad though, as I can't do much anyway. It felt good to be back there though.

Tonight isn't shaping up to be much better, sleep wise, so I'd imagine tomorrow will be a trek.. Just got to keep on plodding.. These bloody teeth!

Basic decency

One thing my journey to becoming the best person I can be has really drawn my attention to, is just how many unnecessarily hurtful, rude, arrogant and conceited people there are in the world. A lot of these people don't even realise just how much their behaviour can affect the people around them and it scares me that I won't be able to protect Leo from such people.

I've always struggled with mindless cruelty, verbal or physical. I hate the thought of people laughing at the expense of another and as a result, I am very easy to wind up. I then see it as my short fall that I bite and it suddenly dawned on me that that is bullshit.

I had an incident yesterday where a man I know, took banter (which I have no issues with) to another level and was just plain rude to me. I bit and was pretty abusive back. I'm not proud of my response, I spent the whole afternoon and evening beating myself up for reacting so badly. After talking to Tom and another of my friends about it, I realised that actually, whilst not an ideal response for me to have, it was him who was blatantly out of order.

When I first met this guy, I didn't warm to him, but as I have been working on myself and how I interact with people, I made an effort to put that aside. Tom also has a friendship with him and I didn't want to get in the way of that. What I know, and have always known, is my first instincts about people is normally pretty accurate. I've given him a fair chance and he has now abused that and I am done.

I will tolerate him, we share friends so I won't jeopardise that, I am undecided if I will bother to confront him on it, but I will never let him negatively affect my space ever again. I have the choice to not let people like that into my world, and that has now been exercised.

There are many people I meet that I see struggling with themselves, to improve on things they see as impediments and I salute these people. It's the blinkered narcissistic arseholes that I will not make time for and for the first time ever, I feel whole heartedly justified and will not feel bad for being that way, regardless of whether or not they think it makes me a dick. They will make no special dispensations for my personality, so I certainly will not for theirs and my personality is far superior to theirs. I know I make an effort to improve the life of people I interact with, I don't think he could say the same, if he ever even cared.

Reality kick

I think today a little bit of reality has hit me. I've been burying my head in the sand and the fact I go back to work tomorrow has dug me up so to speak!

I haven't had an unbroken nights sleep in over 11 months, the last 5 being the hardest of them all because Leo has been poorly and I've been in pain. I have been in pain of some sort daily since February, and not being comfortable even when you go to bed, is absolutely draining. It drains the soul.

I am also going to be cramming a huge amount into my day, whilst going back to healthy eating and a calorie deficit. My job is incredibly full on and very stressful and keeping my cool is absolutely paramount and was tough even when I felt good about myself, hadn't had a year off and was getting 9 hours of sleep a night.

I'm also a creature of habit, I really struggle with a routine change and I like my days to flow. This will take a few weeks to bed in too and it's going to be a huge upheaval for both Leo and me.

To add to it all, I will also be worrying about Leo being in nursery all day and it being a huge new deal for him.

Tom suggested staggering the healthy eating in once I am back into the swing of things, but feeling rubbish about myself and not fitting into my clothes properly is even worse than the prospect of not eating cake!

It's really hard to be the best version of yourself all the time, to think it is possible would be delusional; that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

This will pass, I already feel a bit better for acknowledging it. I am sitting here with my SI joint throbbing away though, but hey ho!

Cough update

Still coughing! I took him to the docs on Thursday to see what the next step is and we have been referred for a chest x-ray.

This immediately bothered me and I tried to nudge the doctor towards sending us to an ENT first or a paediatrician, but she seemed stuck on this being the next step.

I have done some reading and whilst there is radiation exposure, it's very little and at least we can rule out other, more sinister things. Or, worst case, rule them in and treat them! But I don't want to think like that.

He's currently coughing his way through his first hour of snoozing right now, so I'm happy it needs to happen.

Physio

My multi pronged attack on my back pain included a trip go to my brutal, but amazing, cross fit physio. Obviously, I don't do cross fit but I found him through a friend who does.

He never fails to inflict immense pain on me, but he is brilliant. Wednesday night was no different, he concurred with the view of my other therapists about where the issue was and it is causing the facet joint of my sacroiliac joint to lock up. The most likely cause being my pelvis returning to pee birth shape and doing a be job of it and being aggravated by holding Leo.

He has given me a load of exercises and stretches I can do and has agreed that the best way forward is to strip down the body fat and then strengthen the core, lower back and glutes. It's a long process, but I will get there.