What have I signed myself up for!?

I saw that the Altzheimer's society are running a fund raising scheme on the 16th June, you hold a cupcake day somewhere and people come and donate money to eat cake!

With it being a cause close the Burgin's heart, I thought it would be a great idea to hold one. I didn't think through the fact that I would have to bake them and decorate them of course. Artistic and baking talent isn't something that comes naturally to me, add that to me being a perfectionist, it makes for a lot of unusable batches. Plus side being, we get to eat them all.

The main issue is the oven. Yes, I am blaming my tools, but in this instance, I have done some testing and it is the oven. It's supposed to be a fan oven, renowned for their even cooking regardless of tray placement. I call bullshit on this oven for that, it categorically does not cook evenly. The ones at the back are cooked about 3 mins before those at the front. The conclusion I have drawn is that I can only cook two rows at a time instead of 3. As if it isn't going to take me long enough as it is! And having to fit it in around housework, baby naps and baby entertaining is proving fun.. Not sure how on earth I will manage it when it comes to icing!

Oh well, it's all for a good cause and I should have it nailed by the 16th!

A bit of classic jaunting!

We've been visiting Tom's family this weekend and we decided to make the most of staying at a house in the centre of town by having a little drink to ourselves. In classic Burgin style, that carried on throughout the day and into the evening.

We drove down on the Friday night to coincide with Leo's sleeping, our plan didn't quite work as expected though as the little man decided he wanted to see what was going on once he'd had a couple of hours sleep, and proceeded to play about with us in the lounge until midnight! He then thought 6.30 was the best time to wake up. He then decide last night that he didn't want to miss out on anything either, but Sue made us go out anyway and he happily played about until we got back in. Another late night at 11 and then he thought 5am was a suitable time to wake up this morning. He came into bed with us and chilled on the pillows with us for about an hour, which was incredibly sweet.

I'm paying the price of painful boobs this morning, it never crossed my mind that drinking in the day meant that I couldn't give Leo his evening feed and I didn't have my pump! Hopefully there won't be any blocked duct payback, but it wouldn't surprise me.

It's been really good to see Leo come out of his shell whilst we've been here. He's at that stage now where he's aware he doesn't know people so was fairly shy when Sue first spoke to him, he's not anymore! We really need to start video calling regularly now so that he keeps the familiarity, the issue is that our Internet connection at home is from the dark ages, so we'd have to go into Knutsford and do it over 4g..oh the joys of the countryside.

What was also really good was to have a bit of Tom and me time, whilst we have been out together since Leo came along, we haven't been out and had a good drink together. Whilst that might not be everyone's cup of tea, it's what Tom and I used to do constantly so it was great to have a little mooch back into that for a few hours.

It's baaack!

The cough at night has returned, back to the raised mattress, disturbed nights and humidifier! I have noticed this morning that I can see the start of tooth number 2, so perhaps they are related. I used to cough when teething, I'm not sure of they came through quite as quickly though!

On the plus side, Leo's first half day in his new nursery went amazingly well. He was perfectly happy the entire time and wasn't that fussed to see me. He had a quick whimper, I guess he had been keeping it together through the morning and seeing me threw his resolve a little, but after a quick cuddle he ran off and left me in favour of the staff and other children! Well, I am aiming to raise an independent and confident baby!

It IS his teeth!

After months of speculation, I can see one coming through! Hoorah!! His bottom right hand side is definitely showing a white pin prick coming through and some redness and swelling. This time next week, I reckon we will have a tooth!

Super sleeper

I think the fact that he has done it for 3 nights in a row, that makes it official. Leo is sleeping through the night. His bedtime is still somewhat a random affair since he has been well, currently reason unknown and I'd imagine it will remain an unknown forever; but that's OK. We've learnt that that is pretty much a given for most things with babies and acceptance is the key to not getting het up about stuff.

When I woke up yesterday, he was merrily playing in his cot, no idea how long he had been doing that for but it was very cute.

When I think of the times I got told he should be sleeping through because he's big enough, you shouldn't be feeding him in the night just give him water, you shouldn't be holding him when he's poorly because he will get used to the cuddles.. I'm so glad I gave those comments the virtual finger, because we trusted in the little man and he's done what he needs to and got where he wants to be when he's ready. None of the preconceived adult notions, forcing him to do something we think he should.. Just a happy little pickle and two happy parents who trusted their instincts and their amazing little human

#goodfamilying

These things aren't forever

Sunny day play

I'm getting used to Leo's disrupted sleep now, as bad as that sounds, I've just accepted that we have got to roll with it. I'm taking him to the doctor again today to get this cough properly investigated, but from an 'I'm stressed that this is disrupting his sleep forever' perspective; I've accepted that it is doing and all we can do is help him through and support each other.

I think what makes being a parent tougher than it needs to be, is all of these so called experts telling you how to fix things. This immediately implies that your child is a problem unless totally text book. When I am doing something and catch myself worrying that we are making a problem for ourselves further down the line i.e. bouncing him to sleep after a coughing fit, I just tell myself that if the Internet and books didn't exist, then this is what I would naturally be doing and how I would naturally meet my child's needs and this immediately takes out the stress.

His latest little trick is not going to sleep at 7. Reasons unknown, but he's such a happy little cutie that we are just riding it out and doing things to help him wind down the at night. Sitting and reading to him whilst rocking and cuddling seems to be how he's liking it done right now, so that's what we are doing. It's really lovely family time too.

The last few days of sunshine have been amazing, it's so nice to be able to have Leo out playing and not wearing tonnes of clothes!

Fishpie fun!

Cuddles with grandma she-she

The boys and their pa

Back we go

Although Leo is much happier in himself, the cough is still persisting and sounds wetter and yesterday there was still quite a bit of snot, so I booked another docs appointment to get his ears checked. Yesterday morning I noticed he was grabbing at his ears so it was a good job I had it booked.

His ear drums are still very pink so the doctor has prescribed yet more antibiotics, he doesn't think it is ever fully healing for some reason. It's a worry pumping him full of all of these antibiotics, but it's also a worry that he has this ongoing ear issue. If it hasn't cleared after this lot, I am going to ask for a referral to an ENT.

I need a plan

I'm sick of feeling flabby and unfit now. It's been really apparent whilst the weather has been good as I've had to get my flabby arms and legs out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm massively fat because I'm not, I just need some tone back in my life. It's been hard with my back being bad and Leo's sleeps being so disrupted, as I can't do much whilst he's sleeping as sometimes I can only get him to sleep on me.

I'm restricted as to what I can do cardio wise because of my back and my back being bad also severely restricts what baby weight stuff I can do. However, doing nothing is not the answer. I need to start stepping it up so that I can get into the gym groove as soon as I am back in work.

I feel like the lack of strength work is what's causing me the ongoing problem, so I need to plan my attack and fit it in where I can. Leo's latest thing is not wanting to go to sleep at 7, so it's unlikely I will fit it in at night. Walking is great for it and fitting that in is slightly easier, as I can take him out when he is due a sleep, as for the rest of it, it will need to be as and when.

I used to do lots of yoga stretching and toning as part of my training, and this is where I plan on starting again. I need to refocus, start recording everything again and generally get back in the swing of things. I've loved letting it slide for a while, but enough is enough now! Tom has bought me a fitbit alta and I love my stats, so that's a good refocus if ever there was one. I'm also going to take pictures and measurements as this always keeps me grounded.

Cake anyone? ;-)

Personal reflection

There are certain situations in life, that draw attention to elements of yourself you feel you need to improve.

I reacted strongly to a situation involving a harmless, yet uncontrolled dog invading my space whilst pushing a pushchair and leading my dog. I was polite initially, but a dismissive reaction from the careless owner caused my to erupt. This sort of reaction was my natural response to a situation that caused me anxiety and I just wanted my dog and my son out of harms way. No one can ever actually predict what another being is going to do, so the useless flannel of an owner insisting that I knew nothing of children and dogs as her cockerpoo would never hurt a fly, and she has 5 kids, was neither constructive nor helpful in my quest to hold my patience. So I got sweary and shouty instead; the dog was put on a lead and the woman abruptly returned the way she came.

My issue is that I don't want Leo to experience that sort of behaviour, whilst the outcome was what I wanted, the method was a little unnecessary. There are times when you do need to shout and react quickly and strongly to keep everyone safe, this was not one of them. Fortunately and unfortunately at the same time, this isn't a situation that you can really practice too often!

Sleep progress

What?! Yes, there is progress amongst the struggles he is having. He has been doing a great job of settling himself off to sleep.

I originally tried it a few times in the day time last week when he was fidgeting and playing around at nap time. I gave him his teddies and left him to it, after some standing up and rummaging around, he lay down and took himself off to sleep. Last night we left him to it and he did the same.

It's incredibly cute to watch, he ended up lying on top of his donkey and Ewan last night, so we did have to go in and do some adjustments, but incredibly gorgeous to see

The physical toll

3 months of restless baby hasn't just been wearing on me mentally, physically I'm broken and there is basically no let up. Other bits of me are just gradually breaking and I'm quickly losing my options for comfort.

I took to feeding him lying in bed some time ago, this saved my upper back and shoulders. My left sacroiliac joint would regularly be an issue, as would my left shoulder, so I lay on my right to feed and my back to sleep.

Once he moved into his own room I fed him in the chair, but when I wrecked my back when he first got poorly, I couldn't do this as I couldn't get put of the chair. Now I basically can't get comfortable anywhere as my right sacroiliac joint is causing me huge amounts of discomfort, no matter how I lie! Leo is still really struggling with his cough and congestion in general, so we are muddling through still. He's basically git upset hourly again tonight, so I gave in and fed him at 3 but he's that congested that I've got him lying upright on me and I've given up on the idea of sleep as my pelvis is giving me too much grief unless I sit straight up too.. Hey ho, another Netflix session and docs next week and most importantly, we have a happy baby back in the day, so that's worth it all.

Finally, some decent sunshine

But with the sunshine, comes the pollen and it means I can't breath!

I'm lying in bed, baby snores in one ear and morning chorus in the other. It's really lovely, two beautiful sounds to make up for the fact I've had 2 hours sleep. I do have a slight love hate relationship with the morning chorus, but this morning it's lovely.

Leo was restless and coughing from midnight and wouldn't settle, Tom was too hot holding him, so I have sat up with him. I ended up feeding him to settle the cough and he went into a deep sleep again around 3ish.

I'm really struggling with my right sacroiliac joint, it's normally the left one that gives me grief but I can't even lie on my back tonight as it's so painful. I think it's from having Leo in with me so much and I lie on my right hand side. I can lie on my left and it doesn't hurt, but I'm carrying an old shoulder injury so I have to be really careful not to aggravate that! It appears I'm slowly but surely falling apart!

We seem to be progressing

Not that I want to jinx it, but Leo seems to be better than he has been in a long time.  He is back to being the happy, smiley little man that he always was.  I had noticed that he was a lot more serious than he used to be but didn't realise just how much, and for how long he has been like that.  The poor little man must've been really struggling.

Over the last two days, the weather has been outstanding.  I have been making a point of avoiding any of the classes that we normally do as i want he to be fully better before being exposed to anything else.  I know that you cant avoid it forever, but you can avoid sharing spit with all of the babies in cheshire! Instead, we have been walking in Tatton Park and playing in the yard and garden at home.

He decided last night that he didn't want to go to sleep at 7, he had a late nap and recently that wouldn't have mattered, but i guess as he is feeling better it now does! He came and had tea with us and the rest of the family and he was laughing his head off and generally being cheeky the whole time, I went to be feeling refreshed and happier than I have in a long time as our wonderful little man is fully back.  

This picture was taken at about 9.30pm; not really much sleep threatening.  you can still see his right eye looks slightly swollen, I'm currently unsure of what keeps setting this off.  I'm thinking that maybe he has sensitive eyes and he keeps rubbing either snot or muck in that right one and it makes it swell up.  its pretty much back to normal this morning.

After our walk, we went and had a quick go on the swings at the local park, leo thought this was amazing of course and was laughing his little head off.  Unfortunately, back was to the sun so no usable photos! Here he is checking out the slide though

Just noticed I have written this logged in as Tom, its Sarah though.. darned computers

Mummy issues

Whilst we are on the subject of being broken, my milk blister is almost healed now. Thats over 3 months after it started.

My back is still up and down and that started the week before Leo's initial illness, so over 2 months too. I just want to run away from it all, just take Tom and Leo and live somewhere where we can just chill out, recuperate and just all be well once and for all.

All this supposed healthy eating and healthy lifestyle bullshit is wearing thin. It's hard work to eat well all the time and when there is no return for it, it makes me wonder what the point of it all is tbh.

This is getting f*&#ing ridiculous

Leo has woken up this morning with a ridiculously puffy eye, it seems almost bruised and his cough seemed to worsen yesterday evening and into the night.

I am now concerned that whatever infection he had has managed to get from his ears and into his eyes. Clearly, the antibiotics that he is on just aren't cracking it and I'm seriously at my wits end.

Queue the amazing NHS direct service, we have an emergency docs appointment in a couple of hours and we will take it from there. I need something to be done to actually confirm what bacteria they are fighting, rather than just pumping him full of antibiotics constantly and hoping something will clear it.

Looking back through my blog posts, this all started on the 11th February! That's over two and a half months ago, this isn't right, my supposedly healthy child should not still be sick, the frustration from my point of view is driving me to the point that I am going to insist on a bloody isolation chamber with clean air until he's better. It's a fucking joke tbh. I don't normally swear on here but I need to be clear just how far I'm being pushed by this. It has to end, my little man just needs a break, he's had his turn now.