I need to be stronger

This is a common theme in a lot of my posts now and I know it. I know I come back to the same conclusion every time, but it's tough when you are new to something and it isn't in your nature to have confidence in yourself.

Its the good old, 'your baby should be doing this by now' trap. So many people are of the opinion that a baby of Leo's age and size should be sleeping through the night now. The thing that really bothers me is that he is hungry! I know I don't need to feed him to sleep, so it isn't an association thing and he feeds properly too.

I did successfully drop his midnight feed for a while a few weeks back, but it all went a bit wrong when I tried to change his sleep time to 7am and I haven't managed to get it back. I can push him on until around 2.30am to 3ish but it generally involves me waking every hour to pacify him... He has been like this for over two weeks now I'm sure.

So, last night I thought I would see what would happen if I fed the first fussing. He woke just after 11, but then he hadn't eaten much before bed because I messed my timings up. I fed him and then he didn't move a muscle until 3ish and I fed him again, he didn't wake me up until 6.30am then. Now, in my head this totally means that he is genuinely hungry, otherwise he would fuss hourly whether fed or not!

I know that people reckon when they are bigger they can eat more, have more fat etc so shouldn't need food in the night; but it's all relative surely? He is bigger, therefore needs more calories so will be no different to a hungry smaller baby.. I'm going with feeding, at least it is wake up and then sleep a few hours before next wake up, rather than stir every hour!

Again, I conclude that I am justified in my opinion and will carry on with following my instincts.. Hopefully it won't bite me!

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Consolidate that sleep!

Over the past two weeks, since we have been working on sleeping in the cot in the day, we have noticed that he has gone from routinely waking up after half an hour to going from 45 mins to 1.5hrs. I felt that he was sleeping that long because he needs it but then he always averages out at 13 hrs sleep over a 24 hour period. If he has more than 3 hours in the day, he sleeps less at night (trust me, Tom has run the data from the tracking app to check and it's pretty spot on!)

So, off the back of that I decided that I could start to push his awake time a little longer and see how we get on. Yesterday was the first day of doing this and it went pretty well. He doesn't like to go very long in the morning, which is strange, so I am aiming for 2.5 hours before first, 3 hrs + between next and then the same until last snooze before bedtime. The only issue here being he seems to struggle a bit I'd he is awake for 3 hours before bedtime, so I need to have a play with the awake times a bit. It's just going to be a case of trial and error and watching for Leo's sleep queues. Just now he started running his eyes about 2hrs 45 mins so I took him to bed and he fell asleep within 2 mins.. So clearly that one was well timed. It's just a case of entertaining him through it all now.

This sleep was also pretty close to the feed mark, but I don't want to associate his sleeps with feeds if I can avoid it. He will hit the 3 hrs mark when he is half an hour into his sleep, it may wake him.. We shall see. He generally has to be Ewaned at the 30 mins mark anyway.

Just more stuff for me to work out, I literally spend most of my days thinking about this now!

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Another failed unswaddle

Beautiful little man

I just thought I would give it a go, cold turkey again for first snooze. It didn't work, he happily mooched in his cot for 15mins but then got really mad and thrashy so I swaddled him and he was off in a few mins.

I need to try gradual unswaddling when I'm at home in the day and see.

We are still pooping constantly, no other tooth signs though so I don't know. He is happy in himself however.

We have tried baby rice and pureed carrot so far this week. He's not entirely convinced, but seems happier with carrot than rice. The reason we tried was that he has totally gone off his milk first thing in a morning. He is swallowing it well when I can get it to his mouth without him grabbing the spoon , his face is a picture though; it is a pretty horrified and disgusted look the entire time!

Sitting is also going pretty well, he can't get there by himself but stays pretty well put now if I plonk him down there.. I don't think it is a bad thing to do with them before they can do it themselves, they can't successfully do it until they are ready anyway!

Tom and I both feel pretty gross as far as weight goes. I have put off weighing myself until new years day and then it will be full weigh, measure and photos again and I am getting back on it. I ran another 5k park run with my sister on boxing day, pretty pleased with my time of 30mins 20secs as I have done zero training! I really enjoyed it, it's a great atmosphere and it's free! It also means that I will build up my cardio stamina for tough mudder in May. My upper body strength needs building back up too or I will definitely struggle, I was pretty strong for total warrior last year and that helped immensely

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First Christmas

Christmas eve pj's

We started our family tradition on Xmas eve, our Xmas eve box. I know, very 'done' already, but I love it. We had new pyjamas, an ornament, hot chocolate mugs, hot chocolate and a film. We went for Disney Pixar's Inside Out.. Wow, what an incredible film. As always, it had Tom and I bawling. It touched on emotional management that is important to me, how you shouldn't ever ignore any emotion and they are all important and make us the people that we are..

Leo treated me to an hour snooze for his first sleep of the day, he fell asleep next to me in bed, which I love. He wasn't quite himself though I don't think, he just seemed really tired and was pooping constantly.. I can only assume it's his teeth on the move.

We had a lovely day with my sister and her family and did way too much eating!

Pretty happy with his ball pit off the Owen's

The cutest giraffe of my parents

Successful unwrapping of his new foxy rattle off Aunty Hol. He was especially pleased with this parcel as the wrapping paper was perfect for baby hands!

Pretty smug about the whole affair really

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I was close

Our little surprise trip took us to York. We stayed in a lovely little apartment pretty just a stone throw from the centre of town which was brilliant.

We ventured around the Xmas markets when we first got there and we even dared to have a drink to ourselves once Leo was in bed. He was quite unhappy going off but had missed a snooze in the day as everything was just way too interesting.

We didn't have a late one but Leo woke up at 10.30 and then stirred every hour after that until midnight, then I got a two hour reprieve but then I fed him around 4 and then we slept until just after 7. I was knackered.

We took Leo's first ever train ride out to the Scarborough beach on the Tuesday. It was fairly stormy, but lovely being out on the sand with the fresh breeze blowing in off the water.

The sea front was pretty much deserted, unsurprisingly and there were so many places closed for the season. We had initially intended to have fish and chips on the front, but the good shops were closed!
So instead, we had an Italian and Leo sat in a high chair! First time ever in a restaurant!

So much is changing so quickly, we think he has some tooth movement too. He's started pooping about 5 times a day or more and has little pink cheeks. He's also quite feisty when he wakes up in the night.

Tom took the next night duty so I could sleep and he did a great job of pacifying him so it didn't disturb me. Of course I didn't sleep through, I've just accepted that isn't going to happen for a long time to come. He's been a lot more settled since being back home though, which is great.

We are even managing more than half an hour daytime naps in the cot. You have to be ready on the half hour point with ewan, but then he will go over an hour easily

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We seem to be getting it right

For now anyway. The sleep schedules are working well and if we time his last snooze for 2 hours before he goes to bed, he has been going off without a dummy or rattle, just ewan and a big warm daddy hand on his tummy.

He only wants to sleep between 9.5 and 10 hrs at night, but if that's what he needs then that's what he needs. He gets 3 hrs through the day, spaced out at around 2 hour intervals. I know that this will all change in the blink of an eye, but I at least know I'm reading him correctly.

Checking out his throne for the Xmas table

Desperately trying to stroke (grab) his mate

He's officially getting big! He just about fits in the high chair... It's going so fast!

Journey update, we aren't going towards Yorkshire.  No idea!

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Adventure time

Tom is taking the family away on a surprise holiday for a couple of days. Leo obviously knows where we are going, but is keeping schtum!

I know it's somewhere within 2 hours as Tom factored in the carseat time limit, I also know it's not far from the coast as we are going to get fish and chips on the front.. I also know that my geographical knowledge it's just horrific so I stand very little chance of guessing.

We are currently heading for the m60/62 I reckon, so my current idea is somewhere in Yorkshire as I know that there is some of Yorkshire near the sea as one of my friends went ages ago and bought me some mussles back!



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A few treats

Driving home from the Christmas lunch with the girls, the sunset was amazing. I kept stopping whilst I was driving around with a snoozing Leo.

Then this morning, another feast for the eyes in the form of a beautiful sunrise. My first walk meant that I got to watch the day unfurl beautifully

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It's going well

I've been working with the schedules for a couple of days and I'm getting on well with it. We decided the 7pm to bed just wasn't suiting Leo and everything seemed rushed, he works well with his 8pm sleep and his magic number seems to be 10hrs sleep at night and then 3 or more through the day, split across 4 sleeps.

Whilst I wanted to aim for 15, it just doesn't work for him. He likes his two hours in between and to get close it really causes havoc at the end of the day because of not wanting to go for hours before his last sleep.

I also managed to adapt the sleep around a lunch with the girls last night which shows that I can work with it when necessary, which is key.

We are also successfully snoozing in the cot, it only last half an hour but he's in there none the less. The breakthrough was suddenly realising that I should swaddle him as I do at night, bingo. He goes off pretty well now too.

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Scheduling fun

Awake walk in his situp pram! Gosh

I've always liked to live by schedules, I think because I used to fit as much as humanly possible into the hours outside of work and at the same time I hate being late!

Babies too like to be creatures of habit, unfortunately, they are somewhat unpredictable but I am now at the point where I feel the need to get a much better daytime routine established. He's so erratic with his waking up time, that I can't plan my day properly. So, as much as it pains me to do so, I will be making sure that he he doesn't sleep past 6.30am and we will be putting him down for the night at 7pm.  Tom suggested this because I was complaining about the fact I can't get into a routine with his sleeps etc.

I was initially attempting to push his 4.30 feed on as much as possible, the problem with this is that if he feeds at 5.30, he more often than not wakes up then for the day.. Which I dislike a lot. So I am going to try feeding him at this time if he stirs.

What this will then do is allow me to somewhat predict the structure of my day, it does rely on Leo sleeping for the lengths of time that I want however! I will just have different schedules depending on what sleeps he kicks out and what activities he may have on in the day.

I am also going to be a bit more flexible with feed times. Currently he is every 3 hours, but if he needs to sleep just before the 3 hour mark, I will feed him earlier as he may sleep better.. We'll see.

Tom will run with the evening routine and then we can cook tea once Leo is asleep, claim back a little us time!

Im sure this will all change when I introduce solids into his diet as it is something else to fit in and I will have no idea how long eating will take him. He is only 20 weeks at the min though so I'm not factoring that in just yet, he has started not being interested in morning milk though as he consumes so much at 4.30, so this would be a good time to slot it in I think.

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Erm, I'll have that thanks mummy

There have been really clear development changes recently. His hand/eye coordination is really good now and he can even start to get hold of stuff in water too. The one thing I have really noticed today is that if you pick something up, he immediately wants to have a go and takes it off you.

Everything he now does is much more deliberate, he is really strong now and demonstrates so much more physical control. There are way more varying emotions throughout the day too, you can really tell that there is a thought process there and when he can't achieve whatever his goal may be, there is a reasonable amount of annoyance there!

It is yet again, amazing to witness these changes.

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A question of inspiration

One of my friends posted a question today. Whose body is your inspiration?

I knew the answer to that immediately, and it took me by surprise. It was me; my body inspires me. On the face of it, the response may appear vain, but it is far from that.

After years of over eating and basically abusing my body I decided to get healthy, lose weight and get fit. My body responded immediately and rewarded me justly. I lost 35lbs and looked and felt amazing.

My body has also grown, carried and is nurturing life and it's amazing.. It has bounced back from being stretched, it has healed from labour and is getting back to fitness at the same time as being fairly well sleep deprived and all of this it just does.

I say don't aspire to be like someone else, aspire to be the best, healthiest version of you. Aesthetics are just a wonderful side affect and are unique to you.

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Another beauty in the park

After my amazing walk in the weather the other afternoon, I went again yesterday. What started out as very wet and windy, turned out to be amazing!

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First and last of the day

Whilst living in the country is indeed amazing, living where we do is proving a huge source of frustration for me when it comes to places to walk. In a morning, I take Sammy the dog with us for a walk and Leo's first snooze. There is a little park in easy walking distance from the house, with pavements, which is brilliant. However, now that the leaves have gone off all of the trees and hedges, there are a million places to escape, one being into someone's back garden! There are also hundreds of pheasants about as we are next to a shoot, and this means Sammy spends most of the walk disappearing. Not a problem as I have a whistle and he eventually comes back, but it's not relaxing, the constant whistling disturbs Leo's sleep and it annoys me immensely.

As I have tried driving up the road last week and failed appallingly (mum rescuing us) I thought I could try sticking the carrier on and going to the field I used to walk Sammy on.

Fail again, the traffic on the main  road is horrific. Where you have to cross is really quite blind and I don't like to run across a road in case you trip. We soldiered on through the mud but it's just not worth it, I also can't wash Sammy off whilst Leo is in the carrier, so I've had to put the poor little beggar in the cloakroom, absolutely filthy and wet. Not ideal.

On the positive side of things, the carrier cover that my sister bought me for Xmas and bday is great and really easy to put in 👍

The last snooze of the day is still a source of confusion for me. He went off immediately in the carrier yesterday and I have no idea what we did differently!

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Burgin family Xmas

My beautiful, Xmas jumper boys

Just kickin' back

Most of the Burgin side of the family are off to Australia on the 11th December for the wedding of Jessy, Tom's cousin, to Ricky; her Australian fiancé. We would absolutely loved to have gone, but we just couldn't justify the cost whilst I am on maternity and also, it will be absolutely boiling at this time of year out there so could do very little with a young baby. It's going to be an amazing wedding so I'm pretty sad we won't be there.. It is what it is though and it will be an amazing Christmas in Cheshire instead.

We had Holly and Richard, John and Mel, Sue and Tom and I and Sue cooked up a storm as and it was great fun as always. I even managed to squeeze in a couple of drinks as Leo goes long enough on his first snooze for the alcohol to be out of my system. We had expressed milk as a backup should he have chosen to wake.

Sunday we visited Hamerton Zoo Park with our friends, Tom and Hayley and their two children; River and Eevee. It was Eevee's fifth birthday so we had a little picnic lunch and some cake too! Everything is always great with cake.

We all had a great time and I really liked the place, all the animals were well looked after and none of them looked stressed, in fact it's the only place I have ever seen cheetah's look relaxed.

Im torn in general on zoo's; I think if they are based on conservation and they revolve everything around the animals and enriching their lives as much as they can, then I am happy to support them. I prefer safari parks that attempt to emulate the animals natural environment as much as possible and I don't think it's fair to cage big animals if this can't be achieved. I always find caged polar bears quite sad 😔 but the rate that global warming is progressing, this will be the only way to keep this majestic beast on our planet.

Loving his present opening

Obligatory port!

It was lovely for the Lincolnshire side of the family to see Leo again, he's done so much developing since the last visit. Sue said he always makes her smile, every photograph she gets of him just fills her with joy and he's such a lovely little man to be around. It fills me with a lot of pride, we really want to raise a person who has a positive affect on all those he meets, the fact that he has this beautiful soul before us even teaching him anything is just amazing.

Adrian seemed quite interested in him, he even held his hand and smiled on a couple of occasions. There is definitely some sort of recognition from Ade with us, I can't explain it but he definitely knows there is a connection there. Even though I didn't get to know him until his illness was quite advanced, I met him soon enough to have a place in his heart and world, of that I am sure and it makes me happy to think that Leo too is there for him and I hope that Leo's infectious loveliness has had the same affect on Adrian as it does on all others.

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Embrace it

I've learnt a lot of things regarding positivity from Tom's mum Sue, the latest one is to love the weather in all its glory. I've struggled with this in the past because having horses makes it much harder tbh. The wind makes them assume everything is out to get them, the rain makes everything filthy constantly and the list goes on.

Now I don't have that, I vowed to myself I would embrace it, and, as with everything in life, it's incredibly easy to see beauty everywhere.

I took Leo to Tatton Park for his lunchtime stroll and, where I would normally have seen filth, annoyance and gloom, I saw beauty. I felt the invigorating wind in my face, that brought with it an almost sea like freshness that nipped at my cheeks and energised me. Taking deep breaths of freshness into my lungs and appreciating this simple act that we all take for granted and feeling it cleanse me down to my individual cells (oxygen is a vital part of respiration, so literally)

The skies were watercolours of cloud and diluted sun rays, ever changing the picture with the wind.

The trees and their gentle, rustling hum that relaxes you as if it's stroking away your stress. This is one I've always loved, especially in pine forests.

The lake was ragged and dark with little dots of birds bobbing around and making the most of the meals the waves were digging up, as well as the almost longing serenity of gull cries whilst they jostled with the wind and the water.

I appreciated every single part of my surroundings and I lost myself in it. Everyone should take a moment every day to do this and I'm sure they'd be amazed with how it made them feel. I also made a point of giving everyone I met a big smile and a hello, you never know when that is going to make the difference between a rubbish day and a good day for a person. It's amazing how infectious happiness can be, even to yourself. So do it, each day, see the beauty.

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I wish I could put my finger on it

There must be a reason why Leo sleeps 9 hours straight some nights and then only 4 hourly chunks another, I just can't work out what it is.

On Tuesday night, he fidgeted about 1am and I popped his dummy in and he slept until 5! Last night he fidgeted at some point before midnight then 1, 2, 3 and then I fed him at 4.20 and persuaded him it was a good idea to go back to sleep until 7.

There seems to be no correlation with how long he gets in the day, how late his last snooze is, whether or not we have been out and about or home alone (I don't think) I am tracking sleeps and feeds now so I am hoping something will appear. I know a lot of people would put him onto formula before bed, but I just don't want to introduce that into his diet if I don't need to; which I don't. Tom made a good point about it, we won't take protein supplements etc so why should we introduce that to Leo. I want to attempt to have him exclusive to breastfeeding until 6 month's and the have his first and last feed of the day as breastmilk until he is 1 really. I know a lot can change in that time but that's my intention right now.

Im not looking forward to losing the intimacy of breastfeeding my babe as it is, why would I want to make it any sooner!

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