They're cancelled!

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I've been really poorly AGAIN and then Leo has too. He was up all night on Christmas eve, vomiting. I couldn't eat anything Christmas day and I haven't had a single alcoholic beverage the entire break! I know, what a nightmare.

I am constantly coughing at night and Leo now has an ear and chest infection. Luckily, we spotted the signs and quickly got him some antibiotics, but it's not the Christmas we had planned. We haven't made it over to Bourne to see the rest of the family, as night times are hard enough over there when we are well! But it was the right decision.

We just had to cancel out Nye plans as I'm coughing all night, Leo is still disrupted and Nic, our friend who we were going to go and see is also struggling with this latest lurgie.. Basically a write off of all things planned!

We've managed some lovely days out though; Blue Planet Aquarium, Chester Zoo, walking in the local area, so all has not been lost. It's just been incredibly tough on Tom as he had to do the lion's share of caring for a poorly baby. He's had some fun with the little man whilst I snooze though!

Enjoying a croissant in the big boys chair at John Lewis

Proud moment

Whilst what I class as good parenting may come naturally to a lot of people, it doesn't come totally naturally to me.  I have had to read and understand the intricacies of the growing and maturing mind so that I can manage my expectations, understand where the little man's behaviours and motivations come form and nurture him accordingly.

The approach I want to take has a label of course and it is Positive Parenting. This is by no means permissive and is about mutual respect and understanding, setting relevant boundaries and helping your little human learn and grow in a way that is appropriate to them, the core thing for me is respecting them as equals.

Now that Leo is getting to an age where he understands that he can have an opinion, I am starting to be able to practice the things I am learning.  He isn't a particularly wilful child, so its not a regular thing where we have to have a debate about what happens next. However, last night he had been listening and grooving away to some music on my phone and he loves to carry it around whilst it is playing.  As it got towards bath time I let him know that I would be taking my phone back when the water started to run.  That time came and of course, he didn't want to let me have the phone and got quite annoyed when I made a move to take it.  Instead of just taking it off him anyway and causing a meltdown, I sat with him and just kept saying to him that it was time to say goodbye to the phone and Mummy would really like him to give it to her.  He tried to make a break for it a couple of times, so i just gently blocked his way and repeated my request,  After a minute or so, he happily passed me the phone and ran off to Daddy to get into the bath,

This moment might seem like nothing to some and I am sure there are plenty of people that have the thought process that I should have just taken it off him, but I wouldn't do that to an adult so why should I do that to a child.  We had a mutual interaction and he willingly did as I asked without any tears or hardship, and it was lovely.

I know there will be times when I will have to put my foot down and absolutely will upset him, but I am hoping that he will understand well enough that it wasn't done from a lack of respect and they will be few and far between.  Right now I am mega proud of him and I am pretty proud of myself too.

And it begins again

I spent years reviewing myself, my behaviour, my interactions etc in an attempt to become what I classed as a better person and I thought I was doing a great job. After taking a year out of the working world, I now see that everything I did was to eradicate my entire person from view as I see myself as utterly flawed.

This has basically got me nowhere and I haven't been true to myself. I read something the other day about being charismatic, and one of the most charismatic things about a person is when they are true to themselves and confident and happy with it. I realised on reading this, all of the people that are drawn to me and respect me are the people that I am myself with. The people that let me be me, they might be few and far between, but does that really matter? The people that I have worked so hard to impress and change for, are no nearer respecting me than they were before and I am just left feeling like I have failed myself in the process.

I'd rather be disliked for being myself than being equally disliked for being something I am not, it's just not worth the effort.

I want Leo to grow up loving who he is, knowing it's OK to have a difference in opinion or do things differently, it doesn't have to be a failure on your part. If you are confident in you, then it's just one of those things and if you end up being surrounded by haters then it's just not the place for you. I don't want him to be a prisoner in his own insecurities, it's an utterly abhorrent place to be and no one should be there.

I thought I had come a long way on my journey over the past 20 years, it has only just begun and it has taken me having a child to see that. It's a long road ahead, I have a lot of internal struggles to face and I'm tired and constantly ill right now, so it seems even harder, especially when I thought the hardest part was done. But I have the most wonderfully supportive husband and an amazing child who makes my heart melt daily; so I'm starting from a good place.

Being present

One thing I have to work really hard on now I am back working, is being truly present when I pick Leo up after a day in the office. Leaving all the detritus of the day behind is a real work of art, which sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But how many of us could hand on heart say we do that.

When you are with your children, do you truly take your time to just absorb them and what they are doing, or does your mind wander off to a different place. When they come and cuddle you, do you allow them to dictate that cuddle or do you break away because you are trying to get things done, or 'need' to check social media?

It sounds stupid, but I have to force myself to drop the thoughts and want to check out instagram whilst he is playing, just because it is a habit like any other. I make sure I constantly check myself when he is being a little bit demanding and I have had a bad day, those are the true testing moments, putting that layer in place to make sure you are at your best when you feel your worst, because that is when they truly need you.

I'm incredibly lucky to have an amazing husband, who shares the childcare load and then some. This makes achieving the above a million times easier.

However, something occurred to me the other day. Do I make sure I make the effort to be present with Tom. We talk about everything that troubles me, so he is well aware of the struggles I have with things, but does he truly get my presence these days.. No, I don't think so. I am always rushing to get things done, or get to bed, or just talk about my world, that I do break away from cuddles, I do spend my time thinking about work and my current fitness struggle and baby etc, etc, when I am with him and I don't truly listen and absorb him. Being the perfect pants that he is, he points out that he is a mature mind and has the ability to understand situations and know that there are other things in my world that cause distraction, but I still think it's worth the effort to take time between my lamenting and musing to truly just be with him.

As with everyone you hold dear, it's those close and connected moments that make your world go round. Sadly, they are fewer than the moments that cause frustration and annoyance, as you are at work or away from your special people more than you are with them. So take the time to indulge, absorb every aspect of those moments into your soul, as it is those moments that keep you strong.

It's addictive

The first few months with your baby are mind blowing, serene, sleep deprived moments you will cherish forever. As they become a toddler, the time becomes something bigger. You didn't think you could love them more, but everything they do makes your heart swell more and more.

Watching Leo is addictive, interactions are insane and unclear and wild and free, all at the same time. They're understanding you, you're understanding them a little, they have a will, a mission and so, so much to teach us if we take the time to watch.

For me, the addiction is in their freedom. No bitterness, no worries, no troubling thoughts weighing them down, no insecurities or self doubt and it's just the most beautiful thing to see and be a part of. It also makes me want to fiercely protect it, although I know I can't forever.

I want him to stay wild, stay free of these daily norms that plague me at least, I can't talk for others!

There is a mission in everything he does, he seems to know just what he wants to do even though it seems totally bonkers to us. He has full blown conversations with us that make perfect sense to him and it's adorable. Watching him regularly moves me to tears because I love him so much, crazy woman. He is the icing on our cake, he is the product of the amazing relationship that is Tom and me and it just blows my mind daily where we are! It's a shame so many seem to wander through life with children, without stopping to absorb their greatness.

Update

Writing on a train whilst it chugs away to Chester. It is crowded and hot and one of the worst things about working in Manchester at Christmas time. It is, however, taking me back to my family and our awesome house.

Work. Busy, interesting, hard. Lots of learning about data warehouses and resilience and budgets.

Fitness. Bit crap, going to the gym every week, spin every week, cycle every week. But not gaining a lot for now. Just in maintenance mode really until the new year once the overindulgence is out the way and training for next year's races begins. Looking forward to multiple duathlons, multiple mud races and hopefully a three peaks challenge of one version or another.

Family. Leo is amazing. Funny and smart and sweet and kind and loving and wonderful. Sarah is amazing but struggling with a few issues that just need time to resolve. Funny and smart and sweet and kind and loving and wonderful.

Anything else. We have a new camera. It is ace. We're making slow progress on the house but it's a long way off our final vision. Needs time and money and effort. To be continued.

Happy. Loved.

Rebalance

I've really been struggling to find my way since starting back at work. I feel like I'm failing as a mother, as a manager, a healthy eater and most definitely as a fitness addict! It's a pretty rubbish place to be.

My hormones are all over the place, I'm ill pretty much all of the time and I can't remember the last time I felt good about myself.

I have gone back to doing the classes in an attempt to get myself back to working out regularly, this is how I originally started my fitness journey anyway. I'm enjoying it, it's just tough on my lunch break.

Eating enjoyable meals and fitting lunch time workouts in is basically impossible, so I still have Huel. Not something that sits overly well with me, but I have decided it's better than any other quick alternatives. I have started having it with almond milk instead of cows milk in an attempt to help sort my hormones out too.

I don't like this place I'm at, I have such a long way to go again. I feel like I have regressed back to where I was many years ago and don't have the time to fix anything properly!

Life is busy!

I don't know where the days go, not long now until little man's 2nd Christmas! He's obviously still oblivious at this point, which is great as it gives us even more time to try and understand how we wish to approach Christmas.

Even before Leo was born, we were discussing how to approach the commercialised lies attached to Christmas, the idea that some random stranger sits in judgment of a child all year to decide if they are worthy or not, is truly repellant to me.

We want Leo to have the magic of Christmas, but understand it is make believe. Apparently it's quite the thing to do these days, that's not saying I won't get resistance from people accusing me of spoiling the fun or assuming I automatically think they are bad parents!

I am trying not to over think it, having a child has taught me that you have a rough idea of what you want to achieve and then just go with the flow. It's a tricky thing to do when you're used to controlling everything!

Squint update

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here, but mum noticed a turning in of Leo's eye so we took him to the docs and got a referral to the hospital.

He had that referral on Friday and the specialist thinks he does it a little in both eyes and she feels that it is him trying to compensate for being very long sited, which is a common thing in a babies as they are born long sited. She has however, referred us on to a consultant who will dilate his eyes and check the back and do a much more thorough investigation than she did. I'm not sure what she was and the difference between her and the consultant, but there is one. It could be after Christmas now so hopefully it won't be any worse by then.

3.30am is the new black!

Walk prep

This last week, Leo has decided that 3.30am is the best time to wake up and play. We aren't quite so convinced though. I think he is getting cold, not totally sure but it was warmer on Saturday night and he slept through just fine.

He's making so much toddler progress at the minute, walking around with us outside, new little noises and words being formed, he's started actively going to give us kisses (definitely the cutest thing so far!) and perhaps that's disrupting him a bit too?!

My fitness is on and off, as is the good eating. I hate myself every time I slip and I am being mega strict at work again, but the weekends are a killer or when Leo doesn't eat something, I think I have to eat it so it isn't wasted!

I've started doing classes again at the gym with the hope it will reignite my passion for it, the girl that does Wednesday morning spin is really quite dull, but it's the only morning I can do! I did circuits on Thursday lunch and that was great, I have suffered every day since with sore legs, but it's worth it!

I've decided I want to get creative for Christmas decorations, so I've made a start with drying out some lemon and lime slices for garlands and I have ordered some felt to go in with that. My other plan is for us all to go foraging for bits and pieces I can make decorations out of, twigs, foliage, conkers, leaves, basically anything none toxic or choke hazard size!

We aren't sure if we are going to have a traditional tree just yet, as I think Leo will assume it's just for tearing things off, so may well wait for next year for that and do something representational this year. Let's see how little I manage to get done, and/or how crap it looks before I concede and buy everything!

Merry Christmas

No, I haven't gone totally nuts just yet! We had early Christmas with the Burgin side of the family. Tom's sister, Holly, is going working in the ski resorts over Christmas so we all got together this weekend.

It was touch and go if we were going to make it as Leo was really poorly with a high temperature on Thursday and Friday, but he perked up enough to go we decided.

Party in the fire place!

It was great to see everyone and Leo was mostly happy, although as usual he struggled to settle to sleep there frustratingly. I think we need to get a better mattress for the travel cot, Tom and I went to bed really early as he was so unsettled and he ended up coming in to bed with us.

Christmas jumpers, and a sweat band obvs

He's so much more aware of his environment and he really takes his time to warm up to people. He likes to sit and observe and then come out of his shell a little at a time, that is something we will make sure we work with whenever he is in a new situation and we will certainly never force him out of that as we are both fairly introverted so understand it well.

Rejection

I got my first taste of baby rejection the other day and it was tough.  Leo was upset about something and he just kept pushing me away and wanting Daddy.

All other times something like that has happened he has always come to me, but he has really started favouring Tom recently and it hurts.. stupidly I know, but it does.

I am having to fight my childish impulses to just reject him back, which in itself is absolutely ludicrous, but I guess its a sort of self defence mechanism.  I know that if I give in to that I will just create a connection gap where there isn't one.  Why does he choose Tom over me? I have no idea, maybe I do the less fun things with him or maybe he just prefers his dad.  Human nature will always make us favour one person over all others and I guess I just need to accept that and remember my job is to guide and develop him through life and not be his best mate above all others and the sooner I get used to that the less painful it will be each time it happens.

My focus is help him be an amazing, confident and happy person and so far, he is just that.

Our little toddler

There is just so much personality now, it makes me want to burst. Just silly little things that I never imagined would make my heart melt: he has started copying blowing his food after I do, he does things he knows makes us laugh, getting excited when he sees an aeroplane and exclaiming 'pwee', suddenly deciding he wants to wear a cap that he has hated every other time he has seen it.. It's all just amazing to be part of, and terrifying all at the same time. He's growing up so fast!

You can really see the understanding of his environment now, the understanding of language and communication and cause and effect. The learning of routines and knowing how to ask for things he would enjoys. It's truly amazing what happens in such a short time. It's beautiful

Just what the doctor ordered

I think the best way to get better is to be up with a vomiting child, don't you? Twice the poor little babe has had to be changed now, I've told Tom to go to bed as I can't get to sleep anyway.

It always seems to be that he gets sick the night after a really settled night, no idea what that is about but at least it gives us a sleep catch up before the next round, normally! I managed 5 broken hours yesterday and half a hour in the day today. I can't say I'm feeling tip top but I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did earlier, just still uncomfortable enough to not sleep.

I do love these night time cuddles, I just with I wasn't so tired every time!

It's got me good!

I haven't been this poorly for about 12 years. I distinctly remember that, it was new year and I had horrific bronchitis, I ended up having to go on oxygen at the hospital.

I think I now have sinusitis, its like nothing I have ever felt in my life. There is what feels like insane pressure all over my cheek bones, my jaw, my head and, my teeth; wow they are insanely painful. I feel like I have pins and needles all over my body and keep switching hot then freezing and NOTHING is touching it!

I've had to take the day off work, which is most unlike me, but it's just insane how much this hurts and I can't sleep it off either, it's that painful.

I have the docs at 10.50, Tom has had to work from home to take me as I just can't face driving. Tough times

Not quite what we had planned

We took a week off this week to sort everything in the house and start with some decorating, it's not quite gone to plan! We have all been mega poorly and I have had a worse cold than has hit me for a long, long time! Such is life.

Leo was at the docs today as he hasn't really eaten all week, the doc wasn't worried though. She does seem to think his throat was a bit sore.

Whilst he was there, we asked her to check out his eyes. Mum noticed a slight squint a few weeks ago and I have just been obsessed with it ever since so thought it was worth a check. She has referred him to a specialist as she said she isn't qualified to deal with that type of thing.

The house really feels like home, regardless of the lack of work done this week! Having the space is so relaxing, it's amazing we lasted so long!

We're in!

We moved into our new home on Saturday, it's bloody brilliant! Leo slept like a log on Saturday night, but has coughed his way through the night ever since.. Ah!

It's so amazing having our own space finally, somewhere we can really personalise and make our own. The only problem is that every waking hour I have, which is currently about 19 a day, my mind is racing with ideas. I don't get to do anything thinking about it at work actually, so that takes the figure down by 7 hours.. But still, if I happen to wake in the night, even if Leo isn't coughing, I'm awake then with my mind buzzing!

To make the logistics of picking up the can work, we cycled into Manchester on Friday. It's been over 2 years since I last got on my bike and I loved it. It's basically impossible to do more times than not due to nurse commitments, but that's just how it is and we will do it whenever possible. Leo was going to stay at grandma's sometimes in the week, but it's just not possible whilst he's coughing all the time. I don't feel like it's fair on mum to expect her to sit up all night with him.

It's Wednesday today, so managed an early gym session. I've forgotten everything I need and lost the end of earphones, so not really the morning I wanted.. But I'm here!

Solutions!

Leo finally had his appointment with the pediatrician on Monday. She isn't even slightly worried about him from an asthma or allergies point of view, she said he was growing far too well for anything major and the fact that his chest is always clear is a great sign.

She suspects that he has simply had a post viral cough that he has never been able to shift. She has prescribed a really low dose steroid inhaler to be taken twice and day and wants to review in 4 months. In the meantime, she has also sent a letter to the GP to authorise upping his dose if required and even prescribing a powder to reduce mucus production at night should this have no affect.

Let's hope this cracks it and we are done coughing! Problem potentially solved.

He decided to drop to one sleep a day in the last few weeks, growing up in every way. He was initially still doing the morning snooze and then refusing to sleep in the afternoon, which meant that he was absolutely shattered when I picked him up. He has now started doing a longer lunchtime snooze, which is better but he doesn't like to go to bed at 7 anymore. Problem sort of solved.

We have also been having a nightmare cleaning his teeth which I put down to tenderness. I decided to buy a baby electric toothbrush on the off chance this would improve efficiency. He loves it! There is a little light on it which he is fascinated by, and he finds the vibrations hilarious.. Problem solved.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

It's back to shifts we go.. Leo's latest cold has progressed into a good old cough again. I think we managed 3 weeks cough free, what more can we ask for?

We are having to actively sit up with him again too. The good news is, he's absolutely happy as can be all the time, so of that I am eternally grateful.

I also get to catch up on blogging (can't post pictures because of this ridiculous Internet connection) watch Netflix, the new Narcos is out, and of course.. Baby cuddles!

We also have his first molar, it's rushed through ahead of the scheduled order of growth too. I only happened to notice it whilst tackling a particularly tricky tooth brushing session, but it's one corner is definitely through. Gosh, so grown up!

The curse of insomnia

One thing having a baby has done for me is create me a problem I never imagined I would have; Insomnia.  It is possibly the most frustrating thing you could go through that isn't chronic pain or illness... Its like a slow torture; just you, the darkness and your racing mind.

Its not the breastfeeding time that has caused it as that at least had a structure to it, its been the night coughing that has done it.  We were doing so well, I think we managed at least 3 weeks without coughing and I had managed to get myself sleeping around 5 - 6 hours straight without stirring.

Alas, the latest cold has come with a cough in tow so its back to shift work between us.  The only problem there is that the cough wakes me up regardless of whether or not I am on shift.  We started with a great night tonight, he slept soundly from 18:30 to 00:01 without a peep and then his coughing started and I am on the midnight to 03:00 shift.  I had to get him out and sit him up for a bit whilst I was covered in Olbas, this really soothes him.  Unfortunately, there was plenty of brain fodder just sitting and waiting to be unleashed in the night and now I just cannot get back to sleep.  I have got up to have some toast and write this post instead.

We are potentially going to have bought a house by the end of this month if all goes to plan and that has given me huge amounts of exciting things to think about. I don't get time to think about them in the day as I am so busy, so they occupy the time between attending to Leo and working.. that basically is sleep time!

Finding the rhythm

I really feel like I'm starting to get back to grips with working. I'm way off being on form, but progress is progress no matter how small.

Diet is still not great, but considerably better than it was and I'm starting to remember the little tricks that I used when I first started cleaning up my act. The key this time is to not expect to be straight back to where I was latterly and really appreciate the process again, understanding it will come good soon is a requirement right now.

As a family I feel like we have also got a good rhythm going. Leo's nagging cough has basically gone, which is a huuuge weight off our shoulders. It hasn't gone if we aren't at home though, so I am keen to keep hold of our referral and run all the information past a specialist.

We had a great weekend, we spent a very soggy Saturday watching my boss racing rally cars. Leo was unperturbed by the rain, and as always, was engrossed in the activities around him from his carrier vantage point.






Sunday we went off supporting Tom at a local duathlon. He did amazingly well, despite any lack of training focus at all! We were very proud and Leo loved it all once again






Leo's 'I'm loving it' face

Of course, one of the best progressions in my life right now is being back on track with my fitness. My pain is very limited now and I can start to actually do stuff that makes me sweat. Bliss!! Now all we need to do is move house and destroy our new found flow mojo!

I think we got a woof!

And he's definitely walking! The woof is very much in the early stages, but I'm convinced it's there. He does it in response to a dog picture and when I do it.

Walking, hex gone from a couple of tentative steps one day and then the next, he's off! I always said I didn't think he would start before he knew he could nail it, he's not the reckless type!

He's has a run of cracking nights, I have currently sat up with him being very uncomfortable though #gottabehisteeth

Sanitiser success

Bath in a bucket, why not!

We had a weekend in Lincolnshire this weekend, we set off on Saturday morning after a great, cough free night at home.  Good journey down without any baby related drama and Ma was very pleased to see us.  Leo was really quite shy and had his best disapproving face on!

Come night time, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.. pretty much every 1 to 1.5hrs throughout the night.  This was exactly the same on the Sunday night too and then we came home Monday morning and last night back in his own room, not a peep.

It has got to be some sort of airborne irritant causing swelling in his throat and then the cough.  Its more than just a coincidence that it has happened twice now, at least we know it was money well spent and I have some great information to go to the paediatrician with. I am definitely going to push for allergy testing now.

Enjoying the Sun in Ma's yard

Adventure time

Mardy baby cuddles

There was a Sausage a Cider festival in Bourne over the weekend, they also had love music so we thought we better pay a visit! Leo loved the sausages and the music, so much so he even decided to do a bit of walking practice.

Absorbed by a bit of folk!

That's what little boys are made of!

Mud right? Leo absolutely loves nothing more than being outside, getting wet and filthy and investigating the world around him. Not surprising really, as that is what time and I have always been like.

Mum's garden is absolutely perfect for it really and when we eventually move, our garden will be as much of an adventure land as we can make it with what will undoubtedly be limited space.

He's been on pretty good form this week, a little bit grizzly but I'm putting that down to his teeth #gottabehisteeth

He's got it tough right now

We had injections on Thursday which are always unpleasant, but we have been lucky with all his others and had no reactions. This set were totally different and his little leg blew up like a balloon and was really red and hot.

All last night he didn't know what to do with himself and had to sleep on Tom or myself to not cough or be unhappy. Plenty of painkillers and cold flannels got him through and he is absolutely fine when he's awake.

We had a fantastic day at Just So festival today though. It's was chucking it down and Tom had to work unfortunately, but for once, we managed to get to do something and it was great.

Bedtime, not so great. Lots of being upset, uncomfortable and generally an unhappy little man. I finally decided it was his teeth as he kept putting his finger in his mouth, so I used some teething gel and he went straight to sleep... Until he started coughing again, really quite fiercely and I had to give him some milk in the end to relieve it.

It's been a physical day, I've never carried him for that long before and I'm feeling it, especially with him not wanting to be put down at all, but it's been lovely. Leo lovea light, music and colour (who doesn't?) so it was perfect. We will definitely go next year and make a weekend of it.

Onwards to another tough night, but as always, a chance to steal baby cuddles

He's got it tough right now

We had injections on Thursday which are always unpleasant, but we have been lucky with all his others and had no reactions. This set were totally different and his little leg blew up like a balloon and was really red and hot.

All last night he didn't know what to do with himself and had to sleep on Tom or myself to not cough or be unhappy. Plenty of painkillers and cold flannels got him through and he is absolutely fine when he's awake.

We had a fantastic day at Just So festival today though. It's was chucking it down and Tom had to work unfortunately, but for once, we managed to get to do something and it was great.

Bedtime, not so great. Lots of being upset, uncomfortable and generally an unhappy little man. I finally decided it was his teeth as he kept putting his finger in his mouth, so I used some teething gel and he went straight to sleep... Until he started coughing again, really quite fiercely and I had to give him some milk in the end to relieve it.

It's been a physical day, I've never carried him for that long before and I'm feeling it, especially with him not wanting to be put down at all, but it's been lovely. Leo lovea light, music and colour (who doesn't?) so it was perfect. We will definitely go next year and make a weekend of it.

Onwards to another tough night, but as always, a chance to steal baby cuddles