Sleep when I'm dead

My daily view

The not so pretty daily view

Said Sarah never! It's not a secret that I love sleep, in fact it's a source of amusement to a few. I will merrily go to bed at 8.30 pm and not wake until the same time the next day. I prefer to go to bed early and get up early than vice versa and afternoon naps are like my own little victory against the day, should I achieve one. 

The art of getting to sleep is something I am hugely proud of (yes, I know). I shut my eyes, I'm asleep; that's it and that is basically the speed that it happens for me.  This is a very useful tool now.

As you may have imagined, the thought of getting no sleep with a newborn has therefore always been quite a worry for me. However, I am actually coping incredibly well.  I'm sure the human body must provide some sort of hormone that enables us to cope better, otherwise, the human race would never have evolved as all newborns would've been eaten by their within a couple of weeks!

I really need to make the most of his day sleeps by sleeping myself as it's nighttime when he cluster feeds if he is going to. It's just tricky as you start to feel like a milking, nappy changing machine.. Which basically is what you are to start at really, acceptance is the key here!

The man's role

Apart from the obvious reasons it's pointless for Tom getting up with every feed, the natural coping mechanism is another reason I don't want him to get up every time. There is no reason for him to and I'm pretty sure I have read something stating that the coping mechanism of the female isn't complemented in the male.

I know 100% that Tom would take all the feeds and lack of sleep for me if he could, he is just that good to me all the time and is head over heels in love with us both.

It is now 03:16 and he has been feeding for half an hour.  I have had a blissful 2ish hours kip and I feel blessed!

I would rather have him awake in the day to do things around the house, make food, go shopping, take Leo whilst I have some me time and just be available rather than exhausted.

How hypnobirthing helped me through

Whilst the birth I experienced wasn't what I had as an ultimate plan, I had also gone into birth with the mindset that I wouldn't let any variations upset me or stress me out and I would employ all the skills I had learnt during hypnobirthing regardless.

One of the most precious things we did for our family was go down the hypnobirthing route, whilst we left it quite late to attend I feel that we used it the entire way through labour and birth and it was invaluable.

All the midwives commented on how good my breathing was and I really felt good and in control. There were a few hours where I achieved the most incredible zoning experience I could imagine, I was so powerful and had my cervix been playing ball I know I would've gone the whole way in that wonderful bubble.

It was after I had been in labour for over 24hrs, I had been in the bath for around 2 hours and during that time, each surge was assisted by the water weightlessness and I could really get deep down breath into my body. I find it easier to achieve deep breathing on my back but as I was going through back labour, it was only achieved when I moved to the bath.

I would have a huge surge of heat at the same time and Tom spent almost the entire time with a small fan on me. This increased the sensations on my body, very similar in the way that the light touch massage works and I could feel myself going deeper and deeper.

I started to get a bit wrinkly after a couple of hours so chose to get out of the water and carried on labouring whilst leaning over the sink and staring into my own eyes in the mirror. This centered me so much and I could see my reflection so calm and serene that it took the experience deeper.

Each surge just increased the level of power that I felt and it was amazing, I was enjoying meeting each one and it really was an experience like nothing else. You can feel the natural hormones coursing through every vein in your body, it feels like you're being stroked by liquid silk, inside and out and, you feel soft and full and complete. This softness doesn't stop in the confines of your body, it radiates out of you in waves of energy and I found watching myself in this process was like nothing else, it stirs you deeper than you can imagine. The only thing I can compare it too is the effect of your newborn baby's stare, it drinks you in and takes your heart and sole in with it too.

Then the plot twist

Shortly after this I asked to be checked for progression as I was convinced I was well along. Unfortunately, I hadn't progressed at all and this really broke my concentration and did get me down quite a lot. Because of this, all my body's amazing work was knocked right back, right at the time I needed it.

I am slightly hazy with timings of everything at this point as I couldn't write it as I went along due to the frequency of the contractions. I think that it was prior to getting in the bath that I thought I had gone through the transition I talked about as it definitely wasn't after.  Either way, once I had been delivered this blow again I wanted to get back in the bath as the surges where so intense they were taking my breath away, which goes against everything you need for hypnobirthing. The bath just didn't offer me to relief it did before and I couldn't get comfortable.

The amazing ability of our bodies

The sensations were totally different now, I genuinely did everything I could to get back to where I was but it's a process, not something you can force.  It was just after this that my parents and sister came to see us and a midwife came in to discuss some pain medication.

She explained that what I was experiencing was my body working to turn Leo from OP to OA, ready for birth and my discomfort was causing me to fight against it, causing even further discomfort.

She said that the diamorphine would allow my body to relax and allow me to sleep a little,  thus enabling the process to work. I agreed that this was the way to go whilst trusting my body to do its thing.

Diamorphine dreams

I think dreams is a bit lenient, but it was a beautiful experience. So restful and chilled and whilst I slept my body completed its mission. Again, just one more thing I am so utterly blown away by.  It's incredible that it managed to turn him so effectively in prep for an easier birth.

About half an hour later we were down being induced and this whole process was pretty efficient. My body responded really well to the drip and his lordship was unaffected.

Induction prep

I had used my hypnobirthing breath and mental stability to prep for the induction and this helped no end. I was utterly exhausted though and this was the main hindrance for me. But without the hypnobirthing mental stability I would never have approached it the way I did. I felt safe, I felt calm, Leo's heaetrate was stable throughout everything and there was no stress outside of fatigue.

Post birth

Post birth I made use of the hypnobirthing to cope with the discomfort due to stitches and a 59hour labour and I now use the stability and serenity I have learnt from hypnobirthing to cope with the newness of parenthood and it's working wonders. Leo is super chilled and a really easy baby so that obviously helps, but I do wonder if he is super chilled as every part of my pregnancy and most of my labour was super chilled too.

The rest is history. If you have any stress in your mind around pregnancy and birth then do this, even if you don't have any concerns, do it anyway. It's a birth experience worth practicing for.

Today's a toughie

First walk with Mr P

Part of Mr P!

Today was walk day. We want to get Sammy (our springer) involved more now and thought walking them both would be a good intro for Sam getting used to an extra body in the equation.

That went really well, Sam shows a bit of interest in babba but doesn't seem stressed by the addition into his world.  He's had a sniff and heard him cry too and again, nothing negative at the min so we are going in the right direction.

Pretty eyes time

Garden chillout

Fatty feet

Baby workout

We also had a bit of sunshine today so got a bit of time in the garden. Little man was in his car seat for a few mins so we could sit and relax and also try and get some of this God awful swelling out of my feet.


Milk and blues

After starting the day of pretty happy, regardless of sleep deprivation, I have started to feel slightly less exhilarated than I have been. I can feel the milk coming in and I don't feel blue as such, just a bit bored of not just being able to do things and being uncomfortable!

Leo is still being an absolute superstar though and that's all I really care about. He does everything how he is meant to and responds positively to everything we do with him. We feel really blessed that he is so chilled out, let's hope it's a sign of the person he is going to be, just like his pa.

The midwife is happy with him too, he has lost 7% of his birthweight which is acceptable and she is impressed by his feeding. My stitches are also apparently doing well and the prickly feeling I get is off the little loose ends of stitch.. Ouch!

Everything is awesome!

Baby cuddles are awesome

So now I'm a dad. That's pretty awesome just saying it, but as I've not blogged for a million days again I thought I'd start with the obvious.

So let's recap on what you've missed. Leo arrived after 59 hours of labour, on Monday (fair of face,  get in, supermodel ninja astrophysicist baby) 27th July at 0545. Sarah is recovering well and being an amazing mum. And I'm fine too.

Labour for me was exhausting. I never wanted to sleep in case Sarah needed me at any point, and it was emotional to the point of breaking. Seeing her in so much discomfort was awful, exacerbated by the fact that it went on for so long. I was mostly positive about the whole situation, supporting Sarah as best I could, but there were a few whole hours where I just felt totally useless.

The low point was when we had moved into the birthing suite and Sarah was being monitored. I couldn't get in position to help her out at all with our practised hypnobirthing, so was only able to speak to her. I was however able to sit and assess what was happening and pull myself out of feeling useless and get on with supporting Sarah as best I could. Thankfully this wasn't too long before Leo arrived.

Hearing tests are awesome

I cried quite a lot. I cried when he arrived because it was such a relief to have everyone okay and the labour finally over and the look of pure smushface on Sarah's tired but happy face. I cried when I couldn't do enough to help Sarah and she gave me a cuddle, I'm sure she was the one going through labour.

Breakfast is awesome!

I guess the last thing to address is my wife. She was incredible in every way, and I feel like we bonded like we always have and at the same time on a whole new level. My love for Sarah is pure and deep and easy, and now that's expanded to my little bundle of Leo. I could not be happier.

The whole thing has been a roller coaster of love and cuddles. It's amazing. It's fantastic. It's everything I could have ever wanted.

Breasts, beauties and bacon butties

So, we are coming up to day 4 in the life of Master Leo Burgin and I'm pleased to say that we're doing pretty flipping well!

The downstairs stitches have been making me a little uncomfortable, mainly because I haven't been able to get comfortable to feed. I found I wonderful solution to this yesterday... We now have a toilet feeding station. Doesn't sound too hygienic I know, but it's not like I feed him directly off the porcelain!  Another upside is that I have a million shelves around me to put everything in easy reach.

Leo is also feeding like a trooper. My milk came in yesterday and he is showing a true pattern now. He likes to have a cluster session of feeding in the evening and then he is pretty consistent at every 4 hours for the rest of the time in the day, early hours of morning do tend to be something of a binge too though!

Last night was a little more restless and I decided I had had enough of the moses basket. The matress is new, but offers so little support, even for a tiny baby, that he always seems unhappy when you move him into it. It's not because he is moving from you; you can place him on firmer, colder surfaces and he settles, so was clear to me what the issue was.  Slight gamble.

(I wish this app time stamped as I wrote, this has been written across multiple feeds from midnight to now 3.30am)

I had a very quick research and I liked the look of the Snuzpod crib so, we braved our first car outing to Babies R Us and got one. It looks great and the matress is so much more supportive. When moving him on, he doesn't flinch and I can see his little face to check he is OK with very little effort when I'm in bed.

The car journey was an amazing success and it basically sedated little man and he sparked out once home. Another good trick to have.

So, useful tips I have come up with or been given over the last 4 days

- to minimise babies shrieks of violation when changing a nappy, have a comforter toy at hand to brush across his lips and face. Source: Tom and I doing the world's worst job of undressing Leo,  discovered when neck of t-shirt got stuck on his mouth

- sit on open toilet to ease stitch pain whilst feeding. Source: fluke

- wipe nipple with cold water after feeding, before applying lanolin so that the milk doesn't burn sensitive skin.  Source: mum
- beware the moment your baby first looks deep into your eyes as you will literally brake down in floods of tears in two seconds.  Source: Leo broke his mummy's bad ass no cry policy on day two.

- buy reusable nipple pads, not the cotton ones as they prickle and it's better for the environment.  Source: I used reusable wipes on baby and just tried what they feel like on nipple. No more annoying scratchy feeling

- be positive when first latching baby on, he won't break. Source: amazing midwife at Wythenshawe hospital

- tickle behind their jaw if nod off whilst feeding.  Source: amazing midwife at Wythenshawe hospital




 

What I thought was transition

At 7am on Sunday 26th, I thought I had experienced some sort of transition of labour.

I had a huge surge of some sort of hormone and I felt unbelievable euphoria . This huge wave of emotion spread over my entire body and it was an incredible feeling, it brought with it tears of such uncontrollable happiness that I kept having to explain to the midwife that I wasn't in pain, far from it, I felt incredible.. It gives you a feeling as is something soothing is going all around your body,  brain, internal organs and coating it in liquid fluff.  The feeling of the surges changed too, from upwards contractions to a deep downwards movement, hence the reason I thought it was just a random type of transition.

But... In hindsight, what it actually was more likely to be was my body prepping me for the intensity that was about to confront me in the form of my body trying to rotate my Occiput posterior (back to back) baby, so that he was Occiput anterior which is better.

Then those bad boys started. If you are worried about reading this as you plan to have a baby at some point, please don't be.  Whilst the start of this paragraph sounds like it's going to put an end to human reproduction, I promise you that reading on you will realise it is actually positive.. It was only my lack of understanding and frustration at the fact I wasn't progressing that skewed my thoughts at the time.

I think what I thought was transition, was in fact my body was giving me a huge OD of natural pain killers in prep for something that it needed to do but wasn't going to be overly comfortable. I think if I had understood this at the time, gone with it for longer and hadn't later insisted on them examining me for progress, I would've stayed in a euphoric state, full of natural painkillers provided to me by my ever capable body; then I wouldn't have been so tried. As it was, the news I had made no progress from 2cm in so many hours just flawed me and I got angry and agitated, which in turn killed the prep my body had done and then I will continue with this story in a different post, as this was about what I thought was transition.

So, whatever it was, it was bloody brilliant; a feeling I wish I could bottle and sell as I would be minted.. It was one of the most incredible sensations I have ever experienced and just another compounding moment in my ongoing realisation of how staggering our bodies are and the insane capabilities that we have, without any conscious interference, to just get things done.

I have a mountain more respect for human life again, and I was already of the opinion it's amazing at that point anyway. How we have evolved, without conscious intelligence, to be so utterly amazing, blows my mind constantly and I only wish more people could see it the way that I do as I fear it more often than not, is totally taken for granted!

Just a brief overview

We now have a beautiful baby boy, I managed to keep draft blogs to a certain point in my progress so  these are up in order of writing and then I will give a full scale, photo mash up and description once I am more awake!

And still no Baby!

Sunday 26th early morning -  I'm convinced we went through transition at 7am this morning, I will write another post just about that though as it deserves it's own! At that point I really felt the end was in site, contractions were coming thick and fast and the feel of it had changed from pulling up to pushing down...  Not for long, then they just ground to a halt.

Some women can have a rest phase post transition, but mine has lasted around 7 hours now with what appears to pretty much no progress.

I had a good cry about an hour ago as it is so hard to stay strong for each surge when you feel like it's pointless. I was also expecting to have been induced by now but there aren't any spare rooms on the delivery ward, more higher risk people have been placed ahead.

Plus side of that is that there is no infection (they did my bloods) baby and I are both still doing just fine, so are pretty low on the risk scale for that side of the ward...

Blissful half an hour

I finally managed to find a comfy position to allow me to nap between surges. The bath was great but not quite deep enough to be face down so made the surges more intense. 

Two more hours and I guess they will be putting me on drip as I probably haven't progressed to where they want me. Gonna have to dig deep to deal with those contractions, it's hard enough with a 3 min break in between!

It's ramping up!

Sat 25th -  evening -  So we went to bed about 10ish with contractions about 15mins apart, although they stopped after tea for around 45mins. I managed about an hour and a half of semi broken sleep with contractions and then they became quite intense so I woke Tom up.

Sunday 26th 4am ish - They then suddenly went to every 3 mins out of the blue so we came into the hospital. They assessed me and I was 2cm dilated so a little further on but they wanted to send us home until the contractions were 3 mins apart and more than 45 seconds... That's what they were when we came in so they decided we should stay from then as booked in for induction.

We are currently in a side room on the ward and the contractions are still coming, and strong at that. It's testing me already so christ knows what I will be like when the full whoppers come in. I really want to sleep too but they are too intense when on my back so can't really, finding a position I'm comfortable with is proving a little tricky, it seems to be standing up at the min but I am going to be exhausted if I intend on standing up for the next who knows how many hours!

We can't go into the birthing centre now as my waters broke over 24 hours ago so Im being classed as higher risk unfortunately, but the rooms don't seem to have bothered me unduly so I'm not fussed.

Typing this in between contractions which seems crazy but it's a great distraction and I want to be able to look back through it. Tom is in the process of running me a bath at the moment, see if I can be comfy in that. All I really want to do is sleep if I'm honest, tricky when standing up!

Baby steps

Sat 25th -  some point in the day!  So the contractions are still coming regularly, we think they may be a bit closer but it's hard to tell as I'm missing some of them I think. The intensity is gradually increasing and the most comfortable position currently is sitting on floor and leaning back on Tom.

This is one of the least helpful positions I believe, but currently my uterus is working to dilate my cervix rather than pushing baby down so I'm hoping it's not delaying things a huge amount.

We have been for a little walk with Sam, being stood up when a surge comes in is amazingly uncomfortable as I feel like the weight of my bump is stopping everything contracting properly. I have also made some more Blondies to munch on throughout and now we are binge watching Homeland on Netflix.

Tom seems to have developed one of his migraines he gets which is rubbish timing, he has slept a bit this morning and it's eased it a little.. Last thing we need is our birth partner out of the game!

Home again

Sat 25th early hours (not sure on timing!) So monitoring went well and the midwife did a check and isn't worried about the bleed. Cervix only just starting to dilate, but she said the monitor is showing contractions every 6 mins.. Shows what I know, I was convinced they were every twenty.

As my waters have broken, we will have to go back in for 8 tomorrow morning for 'progression'.. So induction basically. This will mean that I have to stay in the ward and it wouldn't be in the birthing centre, but I have already made peace with that anyway. Being in the hospital didn't stress me out in the slightest and there was also a woman in another cubicle making quite a moaning and crying racket which didn't bother me either. In fact, I found myself analysing the noises she was making and deducing that she was making the whole experience incredibly hard for herself and was clearly quite stressed. We will see if I still hold that opinion once I go into full on labour.

So today is about stocking up, chilling out and hoping we make good progress..

He's on his way

Saturday 25th July : He is officially on his way naturally! I started with back ache late morning yesterday when I went shopping. I thought it was a strange as my back has been brilliant throughout, not wanting to face the disappointment that I have been for the last couple of weeks, I tried to dismiss it.

It was achey through the day and I just slept and carried on as normal. Tom went out for a couple a hours with his NCT buddies and I noticed some discomfort radiating through my perineum, again, not wanting to think anything just marked it down as coincidence and got on with watching some telly.

Just before Tom came home the sensation changed considerable and I dared to let myself think it may be starting, no bloody show though so tried to not get my hopes up.

Tom came home and read one of our hypnobirthing scripts to me and this was when I knew for defo we were on as the sensation intensified considerably and I could almost feel the muscles of my uterus rippling and baby B was going nuts and all his weight pushing hard into my cervix.

This has gone  on through the night, I have managed to sleep pretty well and recorded the surges when I have been awake enough. My waters have started to go and I have had a bloody show.. So, although this stage could take quite some time, we are on and our beautiful little baby is on his way!

Every day is a new disappointment

I know that sounds dramatic, and it is a little but I genuinely go to bed with little glimmer of hope that something will happen through the night; every morning something hasn't, it gets me down.

It's a grind and a slightly stressful one at that too as every day I wonder if he is OK and hope that nothing has gone wrong or that I have missed a vital sign that something is wrong. So much can change in a day as far as baby's health is concerned and it really drives me mad.

I am willing Sunday on now tbh, I think even if I could move the induction easily, I wouldn't. Part of me feels like calling them up and ask it for it now, just so I can take away the every day wondering and waiting that is driving me around the bend. I can handle it for a couple of days and then it kind of reaches the capacity of my mental capabilities and I wake up really quite p'd off...  As I have today... 

Still no Baby B!

I thought I would give reflexology a try yesterday, there is a lady with a great track record for induction. It was a great experience and baby B was without a doubt on some sort of mission for a fee hours after, he then clearly gave up on his bid for freedom and went back to sleep. So here we are again, another morning with no bundle of joy.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon bouncing on my ball and walking with Tom and Sammy but little boy B is definitely happy and cosy in his mummy pouch! I've pretty much resigned myself now to it being an induction birth and I am concentrating on creating the most positive experience for us all as possible.

I read a great article by a lady who had planned a hypnobirthing experience and her little lovely put the stall on that and she had to be induced. She treated her whole experience as if it was natural and worked around the drips and the expected more intense labour and she still managed with only gas and air and felt like she still experienced the birth they had wanted.

It's slightly different here as we will have the pessery first and then we have persuaded the hospital to let us go home and start off the labour in our own environment, so really it's just like a jump start for now and then we will just take each step as it comes and deal with it in the way we planned. I know our chosen hospital are really supportive of keeping everything natural, so I'm not worried they will unnecessarily intervene, which is a great feeling to have.

We'll see, he does have 4 more days to get a move on so you really don't know!

#babyboyburgin #induction #hypnobirthing

Sweep fail

So the wait still continues. We had our term + 7 appointment at the hospital yesterday and the midwife was lovely. She said we were out of the area for an outpatient induction unfortunately, which would mean I would be trapped on an open ward from the moment I went in for the pessary, until I gave birth.

As everyone who knows me knows, induction really was the one thing I was hoping to avoid, especially as there is this discrepancy with dates; I thought I was due 6 days later than my dating scan. So having the double whammy delivered to me that I wouldn't even be able to begin my labour at home really upset me, and I cried on the midwife!

I'm sure she sees it all the time, but I did feel pretty pathetic when, in reality, it's not that big a deal compared to what some women suffer through. Anyway, the outcome was that I could be an outpatient if I could guarantee that I could be back in the hospital in half an hour should I need to be. Tom was pretty confident that that could happen, the induction is on a Sunday and it is also school summer holidays which makes a ridiculous difference to the traffic.

She also attempted a sweep, which I had psyched myself up for and she couldn't do it as my cervix is still closed. It's shortened and coming forward so that's a good sign but still unable to access it to do a sweep.

I have tried to get an appointment with the community midwife for another attempt but that isn't going so well.

There is a reflexology lady that has been recommended to us by our hypnobirthing instructor so I will be calling her today too to see if she can fit anything in..

He basically has 5.5 days to show his face now before they intervene.. So everything but legs crossed for this one!

#babyboyburgin #pregnancy #induction #comeonalready

The Waiting Game

So Sarah seems to be doing her best to hold baby in. Not that this is a bad thing of course, we'd just kinda like to meet him at some point soon. Like maybe 4 days ago. I dunno, kids these days, never turning up when you expect them to.

In the mean time, I have been entertaining myself by working from home thanks to my awesome boss. This has mostly worked well other than our internet connection being flaky to the point of unusable. I really need to get the in laws onto FTTP so they can benefit by me having faster internet.

Mostly this week however I've just been wanting to meet my son. It's been interesting seeing other people from our NCT group change from expectant to actual parents, and it's also been very interesting seeing how I've changed from perfectly happy waiting for baby to arrive to no you actually need to come now because I need to get on with being a great father. So yeah, you could say I'm quite looking forward to meeting him.

The only thing now is to learn how to do anything at all with a baby. It's going to be a great experience trying to figure out which way up they should be. But that's easy, right?

Maybe I was right!

Since having my dating scan at 12 weeks, I've been adamant that they got my dates wrong. I tracked everything on an app down to the exact dates of ovulation etc and worked it out to the 19th.  I know they have done huge amounts of research and the 12 week dating scan is the most accurate measure that they have found,  but the fact that we are almost a week out in the calculations has bothered me.

I was hoping it wouldn't get to the point that it would need to be discussed, but as each day ticks by as a no show, it is looking more and more likely that I will be having the induction conversation.

I have my term + appointment at the hospital on Monday, which is the 20th. At this point I would imagine they will want to perform a sweep and then book me in pretty quickly for a pessary and then a drip.

This is what I whole heartedly want to avoid. I have trusted my body to do what it needs to do throughout this entire pregnancy and it it has done it brilliantly, with pretty much no disruption to me in the slightest. Every measurement and checkup has been perfect and I have pretty much breezed through it all. It just seems so wrong to lose faith in it now!

You can refuse an induction date, it's your body at the end of the day, the only concern is the chance of the placenta degrading after a certain date increases. I am a low risk pregnancy so they may be more receptive, the only downside is the fact I am 35 so the placenta is more prone to degradation anyway. They do make you go in daily for checks (not sure what these are) to ensure baby isn't distressed, but I don't know how reliable these are.

We would need to be discussing it with one of the obstetricians next week I would imagine and just hope we have one that is open minded and supportive.

I feel like my body is still doing everything it should, I'm having practice cramping every night and he is engaged, my bump has dropped, I'm totally chilled out and good to go.. Why lose faith in it now!?

I spent the day yesterday preparing chilli free Mexican food (breast feeding proof) and sunbathing in my hammock, which was amazing and the only item of furniture I can easily get out of now as you just roll sideways and tip yourself out!

We are off to the beach today, Tom took a sneaky day off as he decide that I was starting to go a little stir crazy just waiting and it would be nice to do something together. Just waiting for the traffic to die down and then we are off.

He will probably decide today is a good day to appear as we are further away from home than we have been for weeks!

Sooo bored!

This waiting game is killing me! I have had signs of something happening for the past two nights and still nothing! The second I wake up everything seems to grind to a halt and it's really testing my patience now!

I don't know if it's worse having signs and nothing happening than it is to have no signs at all.

Another NCT gang baby came along yesterday, another one a week early! Just 3 of us hanging on in there now and we are all officially over our dates and really quite bored!

COME ON BABY!

A little bit of a wobble

I think I have been a little naive in thinking that I could get to this point without having a wobble, so its probably a good thing that it happened now and gave us chance to address it rather than the moment I go into labour!

It has all stemmed from the fact that little baby Burgin has chosen to turn from an 'ideal' Occiput Anterior position to an Occiput Posterior position and there is a lot of press around this position,, but then I guess there is a lot of shitty press around labour in general that I have worked so hard to get out of my head.

I noticed he had moved almost a week ago and the midwife confirmed that last Friday.  I tried to not let it eat away at me, we have been trying different methods to encourage him to turn back and I am so far, no results.. In fact, this morning he has turned even further around as I can feel him booting me in my sternum.

It finally broke me down and I have had a little cry and admitted my fears to +Tom  and got it off my chest.  I was feeling terrified that I was letting everyone down, terrified that I was allowing fear to get a grip of me and ruin the experience that we have been looking forward to so much.  I was trying so hard to ignore it that instead, I let it sew a seed that has been growing.

I have found a great article from a very insightful midwife and she explains that a lot of the time, the issue with misconceptions behind the situations, generating fear and panic and therefore, making the birth tense and uncomfortable.  She also points out that less than 5% of the babies that present in this position, stay in this position once the labour begins.

I know better than most that burying your fears and pretending they don't exist is fanning the flames and that, as the cliché states; a problem shared is truly a problem halved.  Tom has been brilliant and really helped me through, I now feel back on track and emotionally and physically capable of facing whatever comes our way.

Watch this space, he is due today so anything can happen!

Moving In

Today is the first day in a month that Sarah and I have woken up in our own bed. As much as it's not been that much of a hardship living elsewhere in the house, even with Baby B due...well, today...it's such a nice feeling waking up in our own little space again.

Sammy, wonder dog and prince of mischief, is back with us, and he spent most of last night giving us cuddles. Really have missed having him around in the evenings.

So now all we need is our other bundle of mischief. As an aside, I really can't type mischief correctly first time. Baby B is showing some possible signs of turning up, and also possibly some signs of not turning up. Apparently that's not something we're very good at predicting just yet. Stupid science, why haven't you solved everything yet?

Had a great weekend anyway, actually did some manual labour which always makes me feel awesome and useful. In reality, it frustrates me because it's not something I'm exactly experienced with, but I'm working on getting over that and just getting on with stuff to see how it turns out.

Back to back naughtiness

I've just been to the midwife for my last appointment and everything is good, my blood pressure is up but it is still pretty low; mine has just been really low throughout pregnancy but the midwife wasn't concerned.

He is head down and 50% engaged which is great, but he has scooched his naughty little ass round to be back to back. The midwife isn't concerned, he still has plenty of time to move and she only really checked as I asked as I thought he had.

I am convinced it's because I have been chilling out with my feet up! I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little bit disheartened as he has been in the correct position for ages. I am currently kneeling on my bed and letting myself deal with this and then I will work on being positive again.

So, the kneeling and bouncing commences!

Something a little different

Tom sent me a link yesterday to a very brave and moving YouTube video https://youtu.be/VBwgzefa_0g it has been created by an amazing lady as she wants to raise awareness of physically abusive relationships and the fact that there is an out for people, no matter how helpless they feel.

Whilst I have no concept of the horrors of being in a physically abusive relationship, she touched on something that I do have experience of and that is emotional abuse.

Many years ago when I was in my first proper corporate position, I dated a man a few years older than me for about 2 years.  I look back on his treatment of me only years later, and recognise what he did was emotionally abuse me.  It coincided with me losing a little confidence in myself as I had left my comfortable adolescent life and embarked on a big, new and very scary adult experience.

People who know me are surprised if I tell them about this man and what he 'achieved' over the years, as I'm not the most obvious candidate for being manipulated in such a way, but I was an easy target, outwardly confident, inwardly lost, and I have worked really hard to fix that. 

What he did was target my weaknesses to begin with and pick, ever so gently at first, and once this initial step was complete, he took on my strengths and sewed a mammoth seed of doubt there too, then the rot set in and with his regular nurturing, he broke me. He cheated on me too and I was easily persuaded it was my fault.

Over that incredibly short space of time, he destroyed every part of me, he wormed his way into the deepest depths of my brain and poisoned it. Even his own best friend eventually took me to one side to try and persuade me to leave him as he could see it, and I still stuck with him. Amongst many other things, he used to tell me what I could and couldn't talk to people about and I used to make sure that I had enough subjects available for conversation that I could talk to him about without it being turned on me and what an idiot I was.

I eventually got a new job and this was the end for him. The boss I worked for at the time was no good for me either, so just escaping the constant hate gave me the tiny bit of confidence I required to snap out of the fog of denial he had forced on me.

I finally snapped one day and told him we were done, he proceeded to beg me to stay with him and he even turned up outside my office one day. The one thing he didn't realise was just how strong I actually am, when I make a decision I follow through and I never make idle threats for effect.

Once I was rid of him, I felt my first ever real moment of empowerment. It was incredible and allowed me to engage in repairing myself. This part of it wasn't so easy and only now do I feel like I have  done that and then improved too, the latter part I have to credit Tom highly for as he has single handedly helped me do this without even realising most of the time.

The reason I'm writing about this in a very abridged version, is because the depth of his insecurity isn't the point I am conveying here, it reminded me of something. It reminded me just how strong the will can be and just how strong I can be when I set my mind to it.

I am at a time in my life where we are about to embrace an incredible and monumental moment and drawing on that strength is key to this special moment for Tom, baby B and myself. Being at home just waiting can start to skew the focus and remembering this time of my life has redrawn that focus and confidence.

Not only will this brave lady's video have helped millions of people in her exact situation, it will be helping people in ways she never expected too.  Good on her for what she has done.

The glamour of a mum to be

A nice eclectic mix of yesterday's activities, however, the glamour I was talking about was attended to the fishy aroma emanating from our dog! 

His morning consisted of a run with his pops, a nice relaxing brush from his mum and then a relaxing anal gland drainage to top it off. What more can a puppy want?

Other than that, yesterday I had quite a productive day. Hubster requested Mexican food for tea so I set to making baked enchiladas from scratch, including making my own corn tortillas. The only thing I didn't do was grind my corn, crush my tomatoes or milk the cows to make my own cheese!

I made my own enchilada sauce, refried beans and chilli beef filling. Wow, it was tasty! I wont however, be bothering making corn tortillas ever again. Totally not worth the effort.

Oh, and I also had my toes done in prep for the summer and me being able to see them again!

And then there were two (authors)

Hot new anniversary look

So it's time for me to start blogging again too. As it turns out, I've been thinking about writing again for a while now and this is definitely a good reason to write.

We are now just 4 days from due date and it's amazing how much of a difference it makes every day to my excitement levels. Sarah looks more beautiful every time I see her, and I think I might just cry when Baby Burgin arrives finally.

Going through the whole journey that Sarah outlined a few days ago, from first meet through fitness and on to married bliss and pregnancy, I feel like I've grown as a person in so many ways and throughout I've had the support of my amazing wife. Now, with our new found love for meditation, I feel like we're pushing ourselves onto the next great thing.

Sorry this post is a bit all over the place, haven't written in forever and it seems I don't have my flow back yet.

And relax...

Since my initial meltdown about having to go through birth (I was only a few weeks pregnant) I have gone out of my way to embrace the experience and relax.

This lead me down the path of hypnobirthing, acupuncture and meditation and it has turned me around completely. I've gone from the initial, common place, media induced misconception that child birth is a chore that we have to suffer, scream and sweat through to seeing it as an amazing experience, one that we, as a family, will have the honour of experiencing together.


I am now actively looking forward to helping our baby into the world, I feel like the experience will be another step in our adventure that just brings Tom and I closer and closer and now we get to share it with our very own little creation.  I can't wait for us to take on the privilege of experiencing this.

Since becoming interested in health, fitness and nutrition, I have been consistently amazed by the processes carried out constantly and gracefully by our bodies without our conscious involvement. It just gets on with dealing with all that we throw at it; toxins, contamination, overload, to name but a few.  All of this is dealt with by incredibly well oiled and exact mechanisms to mop up the mess, repair the damage and keep us well and alive.

Yet another one of these processes is reproduction. How our bodies just get on with it, with very little overhead (for most) on the woman's body from start to finish and this includes giving birth. Understanding the process that the body works through in order to bring a baby into this world in a manner that is safe for both mother and child, makes embracing the experience so much easier and way more exciting! Actually playing a conscious part in helping that process along for a change is something I really can't wait to do!

Badass Braxtons

Until recently, I hadn't noticed a single Braxton Hicks contraction. Not everyone does, so nothing to worry about.

I had my first experience of them a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea that that is what it was until one of the NCT girls told me that's what it was. I get light headed, my legs go a bit jelly like as well as a  heavy feeling in my pelvis and breathlessness. If I touch my bump at the same time it's like rock.. A little shrink wrapped baby!

Since then, last Saturday night they were thick and fast and last night the same. If only it was a clear indication of when the real deal was about to commence!

What the difference a year makes

The thing about blogging is you have to be inspired to write for it to be worth it. I kept a blog for a year whilst working out, changing my lifestyle and preparing for our wedding My Operation Wedding Dress 

I then moved onto Google+ because the blogger app for Android was useless, but I don't like using that as it feels disjointed; so I've found this new app that interacts with blogger so I will give it a go..

Here's a brief history:
2011 - met the man of my dreams Mr Thomas Burgin
2011 to 2012 - we got very drunk and very fat!
2012 - Jan 1st to be precise - we decided that we needed to not be fat
2012 - Tom moved to Cheshire from Lincolnshire 
2013 - summer - we got engaged
2014 - best wedding ever and 6 stone combined weight loss
2014 - autumn - baby boy Burgin was created
2015 - right now I am 39 weeks +2 eek!

So, now we are all caught up, I can also give a brief rundown of me.

I absolutely love nutrition, I have just completed a science foundation course in my own time and got a B, which I am pretty chuffed with. This is a prelude to a nutritional therapy degree.

Said degree is on hold currently as I have just started maternity leave and I want to focus on our little family first.

I have worked incredibly hard over the past ten years or more to change the things I dislike about myself and the icing on the cake was finding Tom. He has helped me address the outstanding issues I had and I am really proud of who I am now.

I work as a Service Desk Manager for an IT solutions company based in Manchester and I love it. I've been there for 18months and I have grown tenfold in that time and I am incredibly proud of what I have achieved, especially in the last 6 months.

I owned horses for the last 27 years, Tom embraced this life and learnt to ride and we have had some great times out riding together, but we sold the remaining horses when we found out we were pregnant, I don't have a single second of regret.

Going from a busy job to maternity leave, before baby arrives is HARD!

The point of this blog is to track our new adventure and all that goes along with being first time parents. Neither of us have a clue what we are doing but excitement and passion will take us all the way.

I hope you enjoy hearing all about us and our amazing little life!