Play time!

Don't mind me, just being cool

The Twits! Upside-down house

We went for a walk today with Emily and her daughter Chloe in Tatton Park. There is a Roald Dahl themed event coming up in a few weeks, so they had some of the props up already, hence the upside down house. Tom recently read the Twits to Leo, not sure I would've remembered otherwise.

There was also a merry-go-round on the go, we had a go on the sled part of it. Leo wasn't overly convinced, but he tolerated it!

It was nice to get out with Emily, I feel like I haven't seen any of the girls for ages and I have missed the talking!

Cold turkey

It has become apparent over the last few weeks that Leo was getting ready to ditch the zipedeezip. He's shown increasing interest in using his hands whilst going to sleep. Due to being poorly and then away, I haven't bothered doing anything about it.

I decided a couple of days ago to wash his zipedeezip and let it dry by itself, which meant daytime snooze without it. He played about with Ewan for a bit, flicking his ears around and then rolled over and went to sleep. It only lasted half an hour, but he was the same when transitioning from his swaddle to the zipedeezip.

I totally forgot to get the zipedeezip out of the machine to dry it so he had to go to sleep that night without it. What a fidget bum! He woke a lot and needed comforting a few times, he also kept rolling onto his tummy and waking himself up. I think he was a bit warm too as I had him in a sleeping bag. He spent the most of the night in the cot next to me so I could easily reach him. He has been doing that recently anyway because of my back being so bad, Tom brings him to me when he won't settle with a dummy and then we just leave him there.

He was a bit better last night, we'll get there, it's all new ways for him and as always, he's doing a brilliant job of dealing with it.

Fantastic times

This weekend we headed over to sunny Peterborough to visit some of our friends. I was slightly worried as it was so close to being in Lincolnshire last weekend and Leo still isn't back to himself and his sleeping is all over the place. Tom is also poorly and I was convinced I was going to join him..

We had a great journey over, Leo was once again a sweetheart in the car and the weather was on our side. We set off about 6am to avoid the carnage of bank holiday traffic and Leo took it merrily in his stride.

Saturday was a train journey and a trip to Cambridge.

Leo was pretty enthralled by the train ride and found the changing view pretty mesmerising. He is coped, as always, brilliantly with being out and about all day but we had to cut the day a tiny bit short as I was exhausted. I hadn't slept well as Leo was a bit fidgety and kept banging his head on a hard bit of the travel cot, so I had got him out and lain on the floor with him on a towel. He slept great, I didn't though! I eventually moved him in bed between Tom and me and then slept very lightly as spent the whole time worrying Tom would roll onto him!

In his little perch at the fantastic Smoke Works

Last night was a tiny bit better, I managed to settle him with the dummy when he woke at 11.30. This has been his latest trick and he won't take the dummy, but I persuaded him last night. When I eventually fed him in the wee hours, I just left him between Tom and I. My back is still suffering though and sleeping at a random angle all weekend hasn't helped matters.

We are now on our way home, it dawned on me that I didn't want to be risking driving home in the bank holiday Monday so we braved an evening journey. Something we haven't done since our disastrous journey home from Silverstone some months ago. It's a gamble, he's currently sleeping but is there little bit restless, if he wakes now that could be meltdown central as it was light when he nodded off and it is now pitch black! Fingers crossed, only 20 mins to home!

Too many opinions

I am a self confessed obsessive reader, however, having Leo has taught me that you can read too much. I never thought I would say free access to information is a bad thing, but in the case of a little, unpredictable being, there can be.

I am also a self confessed over thinker, again, something else that is pretty pointless when it comes to little people. There is absolutely no way you can predict or control what is going on for them. You can understand to an extent, but it's still basically guess work.

Leo decided that he didn't want his dummy to sooth him through the night whilst we were away, so I had to feed him when he woke. It was only one more time than usual, but I put it down to strange place and still being a bit poorly.

He carried on once we were home and I attempted to just put my hand on and shush him but he wouldn't stop crying and I felt awful so immediately scrapped that and accepted that it was just another phase he was in. My back is still utterly obliterated so Tom has been getting up and bringing him to me, Leo also decided not to settle in his cot after feeding him so I've just been having him next to me in bed. He isn't a clingy baby, so if he feels the need for closeness and comfort, then that's exactly what he is going to be given and I immediately put a stop to myself over thinking it all and just accepted it.

The night before he slept straight through to almost 4am and then last night he was restless almost hourly so we moved him back in with us.

I think I could drive myself mad trying to understand it, so I'm not. I just wish my back wasn't so agonising as getting him up and and around and also being a bit sleep deprived is an absolute killer when you're in pain.

It's a struggle

My back is still totally screwed. Picking up the little chubster out of his cot is an absolute killer :-( I can sort of adjust myself when picking him up of the floor as I can lean and bend away from the pain, the cot and any of his high chairs etc are a different story.

I'm also only just really getting over the tummy bug I had, it's really knocked me for six. Exacerbated by the fact I never get unbroken sleep I'm sure, but we'll get there. I've messaged my chiropractor to see if he has any appointments this week, I'm pretty chokka with things though so hopefully, there will be something.

I'm taking Leo to the osteopath this afternoon. Whenever I pick him up his little spine cracks, right between his shoulder blades. Whilst he doesn't react, I'm sure it's not right and I'd imagine it's down to his dragging technique that he's developed. Our physio told Tom that his winged scapula's were caused by that sort of action as a child, so I want to make sure Leo doesn't have the same problem.

The gorgeous little man still isn't himself, there are some super evil bugs around at the min. His ears seem to be better but he is still so horribly congested poor babe. I can't wait for the weather to change and be done with all of this, it seems like one of us has been ill at least since January and it's really quite tiresome now!

Observation

It's been too long since I've written anything.

This weekend we've been away in Lincolnshire for the funeral of my uncle and to see the family for the first time since December. The time since then has flown by, Leo seems to have some sort of time dilation effect on me and I'm sure he has the same on Sarah.

Yesterday Leo wouldn't settle in his travel cot, I think because he was already too tired and had got himself worked up so I picked him up and bounced him to sleep like we've been doing a lot recently to help him whilst he's been ill. Once he'd fallen asleep, which was pretty soon after I'd picked him up, I sat on the bed with him and just studied him: the veins in his eyelids; the little crinkle around his nose when he was going to sneeze; the tiny dimples and marks in his skin.

It seems like forever even since I did that, but I really enjoyed just taking the time to really look at him, rather than observe his actions or play with him or chat to him. He's completed the relationship that Sarah and I already had together, and life is wonderful. I am a very lucky man to have them both, and I tell them this every day.


The funeral was emotional and a glorious celebration of Dave's life. He was a very happy and contented man when he passed away, and I believe that I'm in the same position he was. We saw his family a lot over the weekend and spent time with nearly all of them. Again, the first time in a long time that that has happened. I was really close to Rob growing up and it seems ridiculous that friendships can drift around for so long when you've been such good friends for your whole childhood. Seeing him with his own family today made me realise that he hasn't changed, he's still warm and generous and funny, and it was great to see.

Driving home gave me a lot of time to think about how good life is to so many people and how nice it is to be able to appreciate those good times whilst they happen.

As ever I have no conclusions to draw from any of this. I'm just happy.

Docs

So, even though Leo's temp came down yesterday evening and has stayed down, he's definitely not himself.

Tom took first shift, I noticed when the I gave Leo his last feed that I felt a bit nauseas. I didn't think much of it as I do sometimes get nausea when breastfeeding. I still felt quite sick at tea time, but soldiered on and ate anyway. Leo woke after an hour and a half last night and was inconsolable. He just doesn't cry like that, so it's very upsetting. We gave him some calpol and he settled again pretty quickly.

Tom woke me at 11ish as Leo woke up hungry. I still felt dreadful but Tom was basically dead on his feet from only having 5 hrs sleep the night before. He just asked me to cover a couple of hours.

They were a tough couple of hours. I felt soo ill, I never got comfortable. I was desperate to give Tom longer so I tried popping Leo back in his cot at that point. He never moved and I crawled back into bed, but I felt so ill that I couldn't sleep. Finally, at about 3 am I was violently sick. I then crawled back into bed but still couldn't sleep as all my joints hurt.

Leo then stirred but Tom took him back on after I fed him. He still wasn't settled this morning and wouldn't eat so I booked him in with the docs.

He has an ear infection in both ears and has to have his first set of antibiotics which I'm gutted about, but I we haven't got a choice. I sure his little body was winning the fight but he just needs a little help. He's been so long incredible throughout it all, it makes me cry a little when I think about it. Ear infections are horrific and he really has soldiered on regardless. He's an amazing little man, we're both so lucky and so proud to have him in our lives

Our poor little man

He's still really quite poorly, his temp keeps spiking and even went up to 39.2 tonight. He had us pretty worried as he was really quite distressed, we called the NHS helpline and apparently, unless they are limp or fitting then you're better off staying at home... Nice thought

It's currently my shift to sit up with him and after some calpol, his temp is finally down. He's in nothing but a nappy and a blanket so that I can regulate his external temperature a little and I am currently freezing. I didn't want to be too warm in case it added to him being hot, I've done a pretty good job of that! It's awful to feel so helpless, I just want him not to feel rubbish!

Test

Here we go again

We have a poorly little pickle again. He started fidgeting about 3 hrs after he went down and wouldn't settle, I got him out of his cot to hold him and he was on fire. I took his temperature and it was normal, so I took it again with a different thermometer and it was still OK. I had to strip him down to his nappy and open the window in his room.

After an hour of bouncing, he eventually settled on my lap, once he was in a deep sleep I managed to transfer him to his own cot and he snoozed fairly well for a few hours. I then fed him and he slept in our bed for a couple more hours.

He's not a happy little man this morning either, he's not interested in eating and has dribble pouring out of his mouth because his nose is a bit congested. He's now napping in my arms, which I absolutely love, I just wish it was under better circumstances :-(

A lot of effort

For very little return!

Bundling baby, pushchair and dog into a very little car, just to drive 5 mins up the road for a soggy, dirty and to be frank, boring as hell 20 mins run is not my idea of fun!

It was only pipped at the post for winner of the worst part of it by having to bundle it all back in, absolutely slathered in filth and then have to get home and get it all out and wash said filthy, wet dog.

However, I got out and did it. It wasn't very far and my knees felt like they were going to snap pretty much constantly.. But it's done, and I'm having pie for lunch.. So all will be well!

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The importance of identity

With thinking about the return to work and people sympathising with me having to go back, I have been taking time to think hard about how I feel.

As much as I will miss my little life in the bubble of motherhood, I'm really looking forward to finding me again. Currently, my every waking hour is Leo and how to enrich his days, getting all of his washing done, feeding him, feeling guilty that I haven't played with him enough... Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I also feel like I'm missing me.

I absolutely loved being strong and fit pre Leo and I am sooo desperate to get back to the gym, that there are days when I have to work really hard on not being down about it. Whilst aesthetics aren't important to some people, they are to me and I worked incredibly hard for years to look and feel how I wanted to and I had it nailed! It's also not just aesthetics, I struggle with my back and my knees and this had improved immensely from regularly going to the gym. I need it back in my life and I plan on going in my lunch breaks.

I also miss the speed of the working day, I miss the daily challenges it gives me and I was at a point where I felt like I was really good at my job, and I miss that too.

I worry about missing seeing Leo meet milestones, but nursery is focused solely on my child's progress, all day, every day. It's unrealistic to think that you can do that yourself as you end up doing house work etc.

I am not looking forward to being away from my little man for 5 days a week, but I am looking forward to reclaiming that little bit of myself I dearly miss.

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Detoxify your life

I was using some hairspray yesterday in the bathroom whilst Leo was asleep and it dawned on me that I didn't know what was in it and what damage inhalation could cause. I decided to then look into what other products I use that could have a potentially detrimental affect on health. I realised I make all this effort to eat clean, yet there are so many other ways to absorb toxins into your system.

There is the fact that you also have to chose your battles. It would be lovely to live in a place with virtually no air pollution, but for the life I want to lead, that's just not practical. One of the biggest exposures is through skin contact and the products we use.

I chose not to dye my hair throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding as I didn't want to expose Leo to anything unnecessarily, but why would I want to expose myself to these things and also, I'm absorbing toxins through my moisturiser, cosmetics, shampoo, hand soap etc, all the time!

I found this list of what to avoid and I am going to go through my cosmetics to see what I've been using for all these years!

I use mascara every day now that my hair is short, I look like a boy otherwise! The other things I use are hair products, which I never have done before, shampoo and soap.

I've ordered some of this mascara, physician's formula, I read about it being one of the better reviewed ones on an American site and isn't outrageously expensive either, so we shall see how that goes.

I'm also looking for a hair spray and wax that doesn't have all the nasties in it and a shampoo and conditioner to do the same. Also on the list is bronzer, lipstick, moisturiser and eye pencil. Other than moisturiser, which I use a few times a day, the others I don't use so much.

I currently use Aveda shampoo and conditioner

The Aveda site doesn't even list the ingredients which is concerning! On further Google inspection:

Aqueous Extracts (Water)
Aloe Barbadensis Leaf
Decyl Glucoside
Sodium Coco (Babassu Sulfate)
Sodium Lauroyl Lactylate Babassuamidopropyl Betaine
Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride Cyamopsis Tetragonoloba Gum (Guar) Calophyllum Inophyllum Seed Oil Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein PG-Propyl Silanetriol
Hydroxypropyltrimonium Hydrolyzed Corn Starch
Dehydroxanthan Gum
PPG 3 Benzyl Ether Myristate
Glycol Distearate
Fragrance (Parfum) Limonene
Geraniol,
Citral,
Linalool,
Citronellol,
Capryloyl Glycine,
Polysorbate 20,
Sodium Chloride,
Sodium Gluconate,
Sodium Benzoate,
Salicylic Acid.

So, on a quick inspection, I have highlighted the baddies.. Pretty grim reading tbh. Some are simply skin irritants and others are gruesome nasties that have been found in breast Cancer tissue, as one example! Good start!

He mascara I use is Max Factor 2000 calorie.

Aqua,
Acrylates Copolymer,
Glyceryl Stearate,
Disteardimonium Hectorite,
Propylene Glycol,
Stearic Acid,
Cera Carnauba,
Triethanolamine,
Polyvinyl Alcohol,
Synthetic Wax,
Lecithin,
Propylene Carbonate,
Oleic Acid,
Alcohol Denat.,
Benzyl Alcohol,
Panthenol,
Ascorbyl Palmitate,
Tocopherol,
Phenoxyethanol,
Methylparaben,
Ethylparaben,
Sodium Laureth-12 Sulfate,
Propylparaben,
Disodium EDTA,
Tetrasodium EDTA,
Xanthan Gum,
Simethicone,
Potassium Sorbate,
EDTA, [+/- Cl 77007, Cl 77491, Cl 77492, Cl 77499]

This is absolutely riddled with shockers! actual Paraben party in a pot! I'm lucky in that I don't have sensitive skin, so the irritants don't obviously affect me. His doesn't mean that they aren't affecting me internally though and Paraben's; well, they're just the mafia of makeup nasties it seems!

This is the main product I use on my hair, and WOW! I think this is probably the worst one I own!

Aqua (water/eau),
Propylene Glycol,
Ozokerite,
PVP/VA Copolymer,
Petralatum,
Oleth-20,
Paraffinum Liquidum (Mineral Oil),
Oleth-3,
Oleth-5,
SEA-Oleth-3 Phosphate,
DEA-Oleth-10 Phosphate,
PEG-150 Pentaerythrityl,
Tetrastearate,
PEG-6,
Caprylic/Capric Glycerides,
Parfum (Fragrance),
Benzyl alcohol,
Coumarin,
Limonene,
PEG-45M,
Diazolidinyl Urea,
Methylparaben,
Propylparaben,
CI 42090 (Blue 1), CI 19140 (Yellow 5), CI 15985 (Yellow 6).

I think I would end up highlighting this entire ingredients list tbh!

Im not going to go on, u basically need to change all of my products asap. It's finding ones that do what I want without costing a fortune for mediocrity.. My health and my family's health is worth it though. I shall update how I get on and the products I end up using

Big boy beds and belly snoozing

Sideways sleeping is Leo's latest trick, that and belly sleeping. Neither are an issue until he comes to fidget and at that point, he can get a little bit shouty!

Being in his own room doesn't appear to have phased him in the slightest which is great. I had to get up a few times last night though to assist with rearranging. It's tricky though, I feel if I keep helping him then he won't learn for himself. I also don't want him to wake up fully and be upset! It's probably just a phase as with everything else, until that passes, his music animals will act as barriers to deter rolling. They are firm so not a suffocation risk.

Leo has spent the last couple of days exercising his tongue in a different direction, as you can see! The result of that being totally new sounds this morning. His tongue now flattens and touches the roof of his mouth, allowing the D sound to begin. Looks like Daddy is going to be the first word after all!

I love watching the development of speech, it's an amazing process and I never expected all the new additions and progressions to be so obvious. Its such a treat to see it all happening.

Don't mind me, just being a smugo!

Weaning is still going well. I made a crustless quiche the other day, using duck eggs and cottage cheese as well as a whole host of vegetables and garlic. Well, he absolutely loved it! I haven't the faintest idea where he put it all tbh, but he did amazingly well. We tried a passion fruit which resulted in anger, was too sharp I'd say. He goes read in the face and shouts at me, it's incredibly funny but I really shouldn't laugh at him as it's not very respectful or responsive!