I need to be stronger

This is a common theme in a lot of my posts now and I know it. I know I come back to the same conclusion every time, but it's tough when you are new to something and it isn't in your nature to have confidence in yourself.

Its the good old, 'your baby should be doing this by now' trap. So many people are of the opinion that a baby of Leo's age and size should be sleeping through the night now. The thing that really bothers me is that he is hungry! I know I don't need to feed him to sleep, so it isn't an association thing and he feeds properly too.

I did successfully drop his midnight feed for a while a few weeks back, but it all went a bit wrong when I tried to change his sleep time to 7am and I haven't managed to get it back. I can push him on until around 2.30am to 3ish but it generally involves me waking every hour to pacify him... He has been like this for over two weeks now I'm sure.

So, last night I thought I would see what would happen if I fed the first fussing. He woke just after 11, but then he hadn't eaten much before bed because I messed my timings up. I fed him and then he didn't move a muscle until 3ish and I fed him again, he didn't wake me up until 6.30am then. Now, in my head this totally means that he is genuinely hungry, otherwise he would fuss hourly whether fed or not!

I know that people reckon when they are bigger they can eat more, have more fat etc so shouldn't need food in the night; but it's all relative surely? He is bigger, therefore needs more calories so will be no different to a hungry smaller baby.. I'm going with feeding, at least it is wake up and then sleep a few hours before next wake up, rather than stir every hour!

Again, I conclude that I am justified in my opinion and will carry on with following my instincts.. Hopefully it won't bite me!

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Consolidate that sleep!

Over the past two weeks, since we have been working on sleeping in the cot in the day, we have noticed that he has gone from routinely waking up after half an hour to going from 45 mins to 1.5hrs. I felt that he was sleeping that long because he needs it but then he always averages out at 13 hrs sleep over a 24 hour period. If he has more than 3 hours in the day, he sleeps less at night (trust me, Tom has run the data from the tracking app to check and it's pretty spot on!)

So, off the back of that I decided that I could start to push his awake time a little longer and see how we get on. Yesterday was the first day of doing this and it went pretty well. He doesn't like to go very long in the morning, which is strange, so I am aiming for 2.5 hours before first, 3 hrs + between next and then the same until last snooze before bedtime. The only issue here being he seems to struggle a bit I'd he is awake for 3 hours before bedtime, so I need to have a play with the awake times a bit. It's just going to be a case of trial and error and watching for Leo's sleep queues. Just now he started running his eyes about 2hrs 45 mins so I took him to bed and he fell asleep within 2 mins.. So clearly that one was well timed. It's just a case of entertaining him through it all now.

This sleep was also pretty close to the feed mark, but I don't want to associate his sleeps with feeds if I can avoid it. He will hit the 3 hrs mark when he is half an hour into his sleep, it may wake him.. We shall see. He generally has to be Ewaned at the 30 mins mark anyway.

Just more stuff for me to work out, I literally spend most of my days thinking about this now!

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Another failed unswaddle

Beautiful little man

I just thought I would give it a go, cold turkey again for first snooze. It didn't work, he happily mooched in his cot for 15mins but then got really mad and thrashy so I swaddled him and he was off in a few mins.

I need to try gradual unswaddling when I'm at home in the day and see.

We are still pooping constantly, no other tooth signs though so I don't know. He is happy in himself however.

We have tried baby rice and pureed carrot so far this week. He's not entirely convinced, but seems happier with carrot than rice. The reason we tried was that he has totally gone off his milk first thing in a morning. He is swallowing it well when I can get it to his mouth without him grabbing the spoon , his face is a picture though; it is a pretty horrified and disgusted look the entire time!

Sitting is also going pretty well, he can't get there by himself but stays pretty well put now if I plonk him down there.. I don't think it is a bad thing to do with them before they can do it themselves, they can't successfully do it until they are ready anyway!

Tom and I both feel pretty gross as far as weight goes. I have put off weighing myself until new years day and then it will be full weigh, measure and photos again and I am getting back on it. I ran another 5k park run with my sister on boxing day, pretty pleased with my time of 30mins 20secs as I have done zero training! I really enjoyed it, it's a great atmosphere and it's free! It also means that I will build up my cardio stamina for tough mudder in May. My upper body strength needs building back up too or I will definitely struggle, I was pretty strong for total warrior last year and that helped immensely

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First Christmas

Christmas eve pj's

We started our family tradition on Xmas eve, our Xmas eve box. I know, very 'done' already, but I love it. We had new pyjamas, an ornament, hot chocolate mugs, hot chocolate and a film. We went for Disney Pixar's Inside Out.. Wow, what an incredible film. As always, it had Tom and I bawling. It touched on emotional management that is important to me, how you shouldn't ever ignore any emotion and they are all important and make us the people that we are..

Leo treated me to an hour snooze for his first sleep of the day, he fell asleep next to me in bed, which I love. He wasn't quite himself though I don't think, he just seemed really tired and was pooping constantly.. I can only assume it's his teeth on the move.

We had a lovely day with my sister and her family and did way too much eating!

Pretty happy with his ball pit off the Owen's

The cutest giraffe of my parents

Successful unwrapping of his new foxy rattle off Aunty Hol. He was especially pleased with this parcel as the wrapping paper was perfect for baby hands!

Pretty smug about the whole affair really

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I was close

Our little surprise trip took us to York. We stayed in a lovely little apartment pretty just a stone throw from the centre of town which was brilliant.

We ventured around the Xmas markets when we first got there and we even dared to have a drink to ourselves once Leo was in bed. He was quite unhappy going off but had missed a snooze in the day as everything was just way too interesting.

We didn't have a late one but Leo woke up at 10.30 and then stirred every hour after that until midnight, then I got a two hour reprieve but then I fed him around 4 and then we slept until just after 7. I was knackered.

We took Leo's first ever train ride out to the Scarborough beach on the Tuesday. It was fairly stormy, but lovely being out on the sand with the fresh breeze blowing in off the water.

The sea front was pretty much deserted, unsurprisingly and there were so many places closed for the season. We had initially intended to have fish and chips on the front, but the good shops were closed!
So instead, we had an Italian and Leo sat in a high chair! First time ever in a restaurant!

So much is changing so quickly, we think he has some tooth movement too. He's started pooping about 5 times a day or more and has little pink cheeks. He's also quite feisty when he wakes up in the night.

Tom took the next night duty so I could sleep and he did a great job of pacifying him so it didn't disturb me. Of course I didn't sleep through, I've just accepted that isn't going to happen for a long time to come. He's been a lot more settled since being back home though, which is great.

We are even managing more than half an hour daytime naps in the cot. You have to be ready on the half hour point with ewan, but then he will go over an hour easily

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We seem to be getting it right

For now anyway. The sleep schedules are working well and if we time his last snooze for 2 hours before he goes to bed, he has been going off without a dummy or rattle, just ewan and a big warm daddy hand on his tummy.

He only wants to sleep between 9.5 and 10 hrs at night, but if that's what he needs then that's what he needs. He gets 3 hrs through the day, spaced out at around 2 hour intervals. I know that this will all change in the blink of an eye, but I at least know I'm reading him correctly.

Checking out his throne for the Xmas table

Desperately trying to stroke (grab) his mate

He's officially getting big! He just about fits in the high chair... It's going so fast!

Journey update, we aren't going towards Yorkshire.  No idea!

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Adventure time

Tom is taking the family away on a surprise holiday for a couple of days. Leo obviously knows where we are going, but is keeping schtum!

I know it's somewhere within 2 hours as Tom factored in the carseat time limit, I also know it's not far from the coast as we are going to get fish and chips on the front.. I also know that my geographical knowledge it's just horrific so I stand very little chance of guessing.

We are currently heading for the m60/62 I reckon, so my current idea is somewhere in Yorkshire as I know that there is some of Yorkshire near the sea as one of my friends went ages ago and bought me some mussles back!



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A few treats

Driving home from the Christmas lunch with the girls, the sunset was amazing. I kept stopping whilst I was driving around with a snoozing Leo.

Then this morning, another feast for the eyes in the form of a beautiful sunrise. My first walk meant that I got to watch the day unfurl beautifully

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It's going well

I've been working with the schedules for a couple of days and I'm getting on well with it. We decided the 7pm to bed just wasn't suiting Leo and everything seemed rushed, he works well with his 8pm sleep and his magic number seems to be 10hrs sleep at night and then 3 or more through the day, split across 4 sleeps.

Whilst I wanted to aim for 15, it just doesn't work for him. He likes his two hours in between and to get close it really causes havoc at the end of the day because of not wanting to go for hours before his last sleep.

I also managed to adapt the sleep around a lunch with the girls last night which shows that I can work with it when necessary, which is key.

We are also successfully snoozing in the cot, it only last half an hour but he's in there none the less. The breakthrough was suddenly realising that I should swaddle him as I do at night, bingo. He goes off pretty well now too.

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Scheduling fun

Awake walk in his situp pram! Gosh

I've always liked to live by schedules, I think because I used to fit as much as humanly possible into the hours outside of work and at the same time I hate being late!

Babies too like to be creatures of habit, unfortunately, they are somewhat unpredictable but I am now at the point where I feel the need to get a much better daytime routine established. He's so erratic with his waking up time, that I can't plan my day properly. So, as much as it pains me to do so, I will be making sure that he he doesn't sleep past 6.30am and we will be putting him down for the night at 7pm.  Tom suggested this because I was complaining about the fact I can't get into a routine with his sleeps etc.

I was initially attempting to push his 4.30 feed on as much as possible, the problem with this is that if he feeds at 5.30, he more often than not wakes up then for the day.. Which I dislike a lot. So I am going to try feeding him at this time if he stirs.

What this will then do is allow me to somewhat predict the structure of my day, it does rely on Leo sleeping for the lengths of time that I want however! I will just have different schedules depending on what sleeps he kicks out and what activities he may have on in the day.

I am also going to be a bit more flexible with feed times. Currently he is every 3 hours, but if he needs to sleep just before the 3 hour mark, I will feed him earlier as he may sleep better.. We'll see.

Tom will run with the evening routine and then we can cook tea once Leo is asleep, claim back a little us time!

Im sure this will all change when I introduce solids into his diet as it is something else to fit in and I will have no idea how long eating will take him. He is only 20 weeks at the min though so I'm not factoring that in just yet, he has started not being interested in morning milk though as he consumes so much at 4.30, so this would be a good time to slot it in I think.

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Erm, I'll have that thanks mummy

There have been really clear development changes recently. His hand/eye coordination is really good now and he can even start to get hold of stuff in water too. The one thing I have really noticed today is that if you pick something up, he immediately wants to have a go and takes it off you.

Everything he now does is much more deliberate, he is really strong now and demonstrates so much more physical control. There are way more varying emotions throughout the day too, you can really tell that there is a thought process there and when he can't achieve whatever his goal may be, there is a reasonable amount of annoyance there!

It is yet again, amazing to witness these changes.

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A question of inspiration

One of my friends posted a question today. Whose body is your inspiration?

I knew the answer to that immediately, and it took me by surprise. It was me; my body inspires me. On the face of it, the response may appear vain, but it is far from that.

After years of over eating and basically abusing my body I decided to get healthy, lose weight and get fit. My body responded immediately and rewarded me justly. I lost 35lbs and looked and felt amazing.

My body has also grown, carried and is nurturing life and it's amazing.. It has bounced back from being stretched, it has healed from labour and is getting back to fitness at the same time as being fairly well sleep deprived and all of this it just does.

I say don't aspire to be like someone else, aspire to be the best, healthiest version of you. Aesthetics are just a wonderful side affect and are unique to you.

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Another beauty in the park

After my amazing walk in the weather the other afternoon, I went again yesterday. What started out as very wet and windy, turned out to be amazing!

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First and last of the day

Whilst living in the country is indeed amazing, living where we do is proving a huge source of frustration for me when it comes to places to walk. In a morning, I take Sammy the dog with us for a walk and Leo's first snooze. There is a little park in easy walking distance from the house, with pavements, which is brilliant. However, now that the leaves have gone off all of the trees and hedges, there are a million places to escape, one being into someone's back garden! There are also hundreds of pheasants about as we are next to a shoot, and this means Sammy spends most of the walk disappearing. Not a problem as I have a whistle and he eventually comes back, but it's not relaxing, the constant whistling disturbs Leo's sleep and it annoys me immensely.

As I have tried driving up the road last week and failed appallingly (mum rescuing us) I thought I could try sticking the carrier on and going to the field I used to walk Sammy on.

Fail again, the traffic on the main  road is horrific. Where you have to cross is really quite blind and I don't like to run across a road in case you trip. We soldiered on through the mud but it's just not worth it, I also can't wash Sammy off whilst Leo is in the carrier, so I've had to put the poor little beggar in the cloakroom, absolutely filthy and wet. Not ideal.

On the positive side of things, the carrier cover that my sister bought me for Xmas and bday is great and really easy to put in 👍

The last snooze of the day is still a source of confusion for me. He went off immediately in the carrier yesterday and I have no idea what we did differently!

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Burgin family Xmas

My beautiful, Xmas jumper boys

Just kickin' back

Most of the Burgin side of the family are off to Australia on the 11th December for the wedding of Jessy, Tom's cousin, to Ricky; her Australian fiancé. We would absolutely loved to have gone, but we just couldn't justify the cost whilst I am on maternity and also, it will be absolutely boiling at this time of year out there so could do very little with a young baby. It's going to be an amazing wedding so I'm pretty sad we won't be there.. It is what it is though and it will be an amazing Christmas in Cheshire instead.

We had Holly and Richard, John and Mel, Sue and Tom and I and Sue cooked up a storm as and it was great fun as always. I even managed to squeeze in a couple of drinks as Leo goes long enough on his first snooze for the alcohol to be out of my system. We had expressed milk as a backup should he have chosen to wake.

Sunday we visited Hamerton Zoo Park with our friends, Tom and Hayley and their two children; River and Eevee. It was Eevee's fifth birthday so we had a little picnic lunch and some cake too! Everything is always great with cake.

We all had a great time and I really liked the place, all the animals were well looked after and none of them looked stressed, in fact it's the only place I have ever seen cheetah's look relaxed.

Im torn in general on zoo's; I think if they are based on conservation and they revolve everything around the animals and enriching their lives as much as they can, then I am happy to support them. I prefer safari parks that attempt to emulate the animals natural environment as much as possible and I don't think it's fair to cage big animals if this can't be achieved. I always find caged polar bears quite sad 😔 but the rate that global warming is progressing, this will be the only way to keep this majestic beast on our planet.

Loving his present opening

Obligatory port!

It was lovely for the Lincolnshire side of the family to see Leo again, he's done so much developing since the last visit. Sue said he always makes her smile, every photograph she gets of him just fills her with joy and he's such a lovely little man to be around. It fills me with a lot of pride, we really want to raise a person who has a positive affect on all those he meets, the fact that he has this beautiful soul before us even teaching him anything is just amazing.

Adrian seemed quite interested in him, he even held his hand and smiled on a couple of occasions. There is definitely some sort of recognition from Ade with us, I can't explain it but he definitely knows there is a connection there. Even though I didn't get to know him until his illness was quite advanced, I met him soon enough to have a place in his heart and world, of that I am sure and it makes me happy to think that Leo too is there for him and I hope that Leo's infectious loveliness has had the same affect on Adrian as it does on all others.

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Embrace it

I've learnt a lot of things regarding positivity from Tom's mum Sue, the latest one is to love the weather in all its glory. I've struggled with this in the past because having horses makes it much harder tbh. The wind makes them assume everything is out to get them, the rain makes everything filthy constantly and the list goes on.

Now I don't have that, I vowed to myself I would embrace it, and, as with everything in life, it's incredibly easy to see beauty everywhere.

I took Leo to Tatton Park for his lunchtime stroll and, where I would normally have seen filth, annoyance and gloom, I saw beauty. I felt the invigorating wind in my face, that brought with it an almost sea like freshness that nipped at my cheeks and energised me. Taking deep breaths of freshness into my lungs and appreciating this simple act that we all take for granted and feeling it cleanse me down to my individual cells (oxygen is a vital part of respiration, so literally)

The skies were watercolours of cloud and diluted sun rays, ever changing the picture with the wind.

The trees and their gentle, rustling hum that relaxes you as if it's stroking away your stress. This is one I've always loved, especially in pine forests.

The lake was ragged and dark with little dots of birds bobbing around and making the most of the meals the waves were digging up, as well as the almost longing serenity of gull cries whilst they jostled with the wind and the water.

I appreciated every single part of my surroundings and I lost myself in it. Everyone should take a moment every day to do this and I'm sure they'd be amazed with how it made them feel. I also made a point of giving everyone I met a big smile and a hello, you never know when that is going to make the difference between a rubbish day and a good day for a person. It's amazing how infectious happiness can be, even to yourself. So do it, each day, see the beauty.

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I wish I could put my finger on it

There must be a reason why Leo sleeps 9 hours straight some nights and then only 4 hourly chunks another, I just can't work out what it is.

On Tuesday night, he fidgeted about 1am and I popped his dummy in and he slept until 5! Last night he fidgeted at some point before midnight then 1, 2, 3 and then I fed him at 4.20 and persuaded him it was a good idea to go back to sleep until 7.

There seems to be no correlation with how long he gets in the day, how late his last snooze is, whether or not we have been out and about or home alone (I don't think) I am tracking sleeps and feeds now so I am hoping something will appear. I know a lot of people would put him onto formula before bed, but I just don't want to introduce that into his diet if I don't need to; which I don't. Tom made a good point about it, we won't take protein supplements etc so why should we introduce that to Leo. I want to attempt to have him exclusive to breastfeeding until 6 month's and the have his first and last feed of the day as breastmilk until he is 1 really. I know a lot can change in that time but that's my intention right now.

Im not looking forward to losing the intimacy of breastfeeding my babe as it is, why would I want to make it any sooner!

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Slave to the snooze

All my days are structured around Leo snoozes. It's quite tricky to achieve, but sleep is so important in their developmental process that it's not something I feel I can ignore.

He's pretty solid on needing to sleep every two hours in the morning and then he normally seems to go a bit longer in the afternoon, but I think it depends on the length of his morning snoozes. I'm currently tracking sleeps and keeping a log of his mood and how well he goes down each time.

I know that by the time I have figured out a pattern, it will all change but I love keeping track of things like this, so no time wasted.

It's harder now for sleep than it used to be as he is far more interested in his surroundings now, so means he doesn't ever snooze on my knee these days if we're out. I have to use the carrier or the pushchair. I'm sure plenty of people would have an opinion on my crutches that I use, but I think of them as my tool kit and Leo's sleep is way more important to me than what others think! He's happy, so I'm happy

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My little water baby

Swimming this week was great fun, all of a sudden he has started splashing around and kicking like crazy. He was absolutely loving it, so much so he was furious when I got him out!

It's ridiculous how much he's come on with everything over the last couple of weeks, it's so incredible.

With the development, comes the frustration. He is so desperate to crawl, he just can't get the coordination as I guess it's really quite tricky. As his bottom comes up and he tucks his knees up, he drops onto his face. He then proceeds to shout about it and thrash his legs around, it's very hard to just sit and watch, but I will only get involved if he really gets upset; other than that I sit where he knows I am and stroke his back periodically to calm him a little.

He had his first little head bump yesterday too, he rolled over and I had put him a little too close to the cabinets so he bumped it.. A few tears and a very guilty feeling mummy and all was well. His bathroom antics are now quite energetic and we have a hard tiled floor, so I have ordered some foam tiles to put him on. They will also be warmer as he has his nappy off time in the bathroom whilst I am showered and getting ready for the day, now I won't have to worry about him cracking his head on the floor!

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Evening of excitement!

I decided a good few pre midnight waking sessions were in order again, Leo was snoozing but it was his noises that wake me I think. It got to midnight and he started fidgeting on and off, so dummy in and again at half past. I could hear a strange noise coming from the heater, and on investigation, the internal workings were sparking! Nice and safe, so I had to set to and move the wardrobe to unplug it!

Then I woke at 1 and couldn't doze off due to what feels like rsi in my right forearm, so I thought I might as well get up and express, but seemingly I fell back to sleep. I woke at 3.30 to Leo moving about and me being absolutely drowned in milk. My entire tshirt was soaked and the duvet too! I then had to feed Leo first for 15 mins and proceeded to soak myself even more!

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Happy Feet

Watching Leo grow up is so addictive. He's a big boy for his age and really very content and happy the majority of the time. It makes bonding with him really easy, as most of the time I have with him is spent playing, reading, walking with him in the pram or carrier or with him on the play mat or floor, all chilled out things to do and he's clearly engaging in all of the activities, even if it is just to stare at us and eat his hands.

Work is really busy and full of very interesting projects right now. The things we want to do, from scratch and upgrades, continue off way into the future and will keep us coding away for years. It's a great opportunity for me to learn all sorts of skills, migrations of all sorts, new languages, new development styles, new processes and to document it all so we have a working knowledge base. I've been very lucky getting the role I have now, especially after the first couple of years of living up here and really not enjoying my role at all. Definitely moved company at the right time and now can't see myself moving for a long time unless we move out of the country (very unlikely) or someone offers me a cake eating job (I like cake). It was always a source of great concern for Sarah and I think we're now just happy with everything. It makes life a lot easier. Or at least more cake focused rather than worrying about real things.

My wonderful family came to visit me at work on Wednesday. It's been an odd week thanks to my boss getting his dates wrong which has led to me working from home four days and then having Wednesday in work. Not complaining at all! It was really nice getting to finally introduce Sarah and Leo to all the people who play a major role in my daily work life (boss, close colleagues, evil financiers of doom). I always used to think that it was weird that people would bring their children in to work, but now I have Leo it's obvious why (if they're like me as a parent and basically a massive pile of smush).

I find writing, or the habit of writing, very tricky to get into. I have to force myself to get some time away from everything (it's now 2200 and everyone is in bed merrily snoozing) and also to be on a computer as I just don't get on writing longform on a phone. Turns out you don't get much time like that with the little rascals in your life. And that's all good with me. The more full my life gets, the happier I've become.

Lunching with Daddy

Togged up in the carrier

This is a better seat to travel in mummy

Today's activity was a trip into Manchester to meet Tom's colleagues and get some lunch. It took me ages to decide how to get there; train, tram, drive, bus, combination. In the end I opted to drive to Salford and get a tram into Manchester.

I timed the drive out with a snooze and then bundled him into the carrier for the tram journey. He loved it and was his normal smiley little self with everyone and charmed the socks off them all, then he snoozed in the carrier on the way back after lunch.

He was chatting away to octopus for most of the journey home, we did have a few tears but no full on meltdown. We had a quick catch up coffee with the girls too and he was really lovely again. So interactive and smiley and just his normal lovely self to be around.

I find now that I get so much from the time we spend just the two of us, I feel like I get so much back from the interactions rather than the one way street of the early days. I get a real kick out of watching him take stuff in and seeing him work things out and commit it to memory.

To make up for lack of long sleeps today, I did another 2 hour sleep stint in the carrier with me in the dining room. It allows me to keep him sleeping for quite a while because of the movement and warmth, it also wrecks my back!

I'm also really loving our bedtime routine these days, his bath and then his last feed are so lovely. He's really smiley and cheeky on that feed and listening to him chatting away as he's falling asleep is one of my favourite things. He's just becoming this really big personality as each day goes by and it's such an amazing thing to be part of.

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Duvet day

I woke up feeling pretty grotty this morning and the weather was pretty dreadful, which never helps. We took Sammy out for a walk in the rain for Leo's first snooze, but it was hard work. I'm still so sore from boot camp!

Last night went well, he didn't do a midnight waking which is great, but he did decide that getting up time was 5.30.. Which I hate! I did managed to stay asleep until 2.30 though, expressed and then he woke up at 3.

As I was feeling rubbish, I decided to stay in the house for the rest of the day and just play with my little man and rest up. We read lots, played on the floor lots, did some rolling, did some chatting and we had two snoozes together which was lovely. We managed the last afternoon snooze too (my nemesis), but it only lasted half an hour unfortunately..  Even so, progress is being made. I fell asleep before him for the first snooze and the next thing I knew I was waking up with a happily snoozing cutie next to me. He hadn't has a dummy, just ewan and elephant and cuddles from me.

He is making huge progress at bed time, he is quite noisy about it but doesn't get upset. He just chats away as if he is getting all his talking done for the evening and then he sometimes nods off by himself and other times a quick suck of his dummy and he's gone. I am going to have to record it because it's just the sweetest thing to listen to.

It's amazing how much progress he seems to have made in this last week. He's suddenly so active, so much more vocal, he has more complex emotions surfacing too, such as frustration and amusement. It's so incredible to be a part of and witness all these things that keep occurring and watching our beautiful little man grow. The whole process from conception and onwards is just mind blowing.

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My nemesis - the afternoon snooze!

Every day without fail, Leo's last sleep of the afternoon never fails to frustrate me. The only way I manage to get him to snooze is by feeding him, or as he did the other day, in his carrier and even the carrier option is hit and miss.

If find it incredibly frustrating, yesterday we tried for an hour in total and were so close more than once but he just wouldn't let it go.

We think we may be trying him too early. He happily goes 2 hours between his first two naps so this is a mystery. Today he has just gone 2.5 but he seemed sleepy earlier. He makes quite a distinctive cry noise, it sounds like 'ack' and he was doing that.

So, I think we need to hang on a bit longer and try and read his queues more effectively and go from there!

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That's more like it

As always, the swaddling worked wonders. He stirred at just before midnight and I tried just ewan, which wasn't enough, so popped the dummy in and he went off again. Of course, I then didn't get back to sleep until I got up at 2 and expressed. He then went until 3.30 before a feed and then until 6.30 which is great.

I really want to get rid of this midnight waking, mum reckons most people get rid of the early hours waking, but I like to get up and express then anyway so I don't find it an issue.. For now! I thought I might set my alarm for just before midnight and put ewan on pre-emptively and see if that helps, I don't like relying on the dummy but it's working right now and the most important thing for me is Leo getting enough sleep.

It was also totally dark and no white noise which is progress. I'm always a bit torn with removing the white noise as I think it helps with the self soothing, but it certainly doesn't help with our quality of sleep as I certainly sleep much deeper without it. I would just love to get back to the 6hrs straight sleep that I had prior to the first unswaddle attempt.

Sleep experts reckon it can take up to two weeks to adjust a habit, so we will see if two weeks from now the midnight waking has gone.. Not convinced it will as surely the dummy is a habit in itself at that time! Oh the confusion


Leo isn't quite as happy about the bobble hats as me it would seem

Little pink cheeks!

The weather has turned cold and frosty, which for me and what I do every day is a preference to rain as it's so much easier to get things done.. By things I mean walking Sammy and keeping Leo asleep for more than an hour on the first snooze.

I am really stiff from boot camp, so I am planning to walk into town later to loosen off, do a little bit of shopping and mooch about until the bus back.. Or maybe even walk back, baby snoozing and will dependant.

Tom is working from home this week too, which is brilliant. It's so nice having him there in the morning for wake up and the occasional cuddle.



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Freedom funtime

As part of moving him to the new cot, we thought we would unswaddle him at the same time. He's rolling over really well now and all the info says to unswaddle when they are doing this.. Well, be damned with what the specialist say, I want my baby to have restful sleep and I want to sleep too!

He was harder to settle off initially, we put this down to the fact that his snoozing yesterday was pretty rubbish and he missed one entirely. He then woke up, hysterical, at 11pm. This was exactly what he did the last time we unswaddle him and the only way to settle him was to feed him.

Next he started thrashing about at midnight, I used ewan and comforters to settle him off; which took a good half an hour. He then did the same at one, I did the same and then he managed until 3am.  I fed him then as he wouldn't comfort back to sleep and I popped him back in his cot before he was fully asleep, so that took a dummy and almost half an hour to settle him again. He stirred again at 5 and I managed to settle him off and I think he managed until 6.30 when I gave in and fed him and then he did another hour after me spending time settling him again.

He doesn't break out of his swaddle, he doesn't show signs of attempting to roll over whilst swaddled either, so I am going to continue. People recommend gradual unswaddling which is probably the approach we will take eventually and I think I want to do it when I can safely use a blanket with him and tuck his arms in with that. I just don't get on with the sleeping bags for him.

My theory is that when he actively pulls covers off his face, then I shall probably get a giant muslin and use that to tuck him in and go from there! Again, I fell foul to the 'everyone says' trap!

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Big boy bedtime

Nothing like a good alliteration!

Anyway, we moved the cot into our room yesterday. It's a really old cot that mum bought a new matress for and the fact that it is quite slimline works well in our room... Even if it does have really disturbing decals on it!

We popped him in it just to play about to begin with and he thought the best plan was definitely to get tangled in the bars!

Ooh, this looks like fun!

I wanted it to still be like a side car cot, so we needed to get a little bit inventive with some DIY, something Tom and I are useless at tbf! So, B&Q cut us some MDF to size but we needed something to raise it up. The idea was to use blocks of wood on the corners, however, they can't cut a big piece to little blocks for you as they are too small.. Ah, panic? Tom suggested that we just saw it up when we get home.. I immediately rejected this idea as requiring too much effort, so proceeded to scour the aisles in the place for something that would do the trick, with no interaction, other than a purchase, required. And we found it, a piece of plastic used to connect guttering sections to each other and the wall.. Nice flat top and bottom, good strong plastic and the exact height we needed!

It's amazing what laziness can achieve!

This morning I got roped into a boot camp my mate was doing. I have done boot camps with her before, so was under no illusion it was going to be easy and by crikey, it's killed me. I think I did a million squats, lunges, burpees and tuck jumps.. Everything I actively seek to avoid in my every day fitness campaigns but all the activities I should do to boost my flat booty! I will update on my demise tomorrow, it's not going to be pretty

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Final jabs complete

He had his last set of jabs until the 1yr mark yesterday. Again, I hated every second and the poor little man has bruised legs from it.. But they're done.

He escaped the temperature again and slept brilliantly, but he is a little lacking in tolerance today, so I won't be risking swimming and a car journey. His car resilience has been pretty low this week anyway and I just can't hack it tbh, I hate it!

Today is potentially a stay home day, but the weather is so beautiful that it seems a shame. I may walk into Knutsford and meet a couple of the girls for lunch, it just depends on snooze timing for spud.

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Developmental step complete

Rolling prep

Leo has been showing signs of rolling from back to front for a fee weeks, but in the late week he has started to be a little more determined and today he cracked it and it was so lovely to see.

I had left him on his play mat whilst I went and got his clothes and when I came back he was on his side, facing away from me, consequently he didn't know I was there so I sat and observed (and recorded it thankfully!)

I reckon he must have been at it for around 5 mins in total, I got 3 mins of it. He just kept getting stuck on his shoulder, I reckon if he had known I was there he would've just created until I went to assist, but instead, he soldiered on. He finally twigged that he needed to lift his head to free his shoulder up to pull from under him. He probably won't try it again now for weeks, that's what happened with his front to back roll. His little face once he had managed it was a picture, so proud of himself

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Giggles and grizzles

One of the latest developments is Leo giggling. It's just the cutest thing in the world and makes your heart want to burst! I've never been one for repetition, but when your baby is laughing at something, you will repeat it until the cows come home

We've been doing incredibly well in the car recently and then today we had a mega meltdown. I was on the way back from the chiropractors and he just unleashed. I fed him as he had gone for 2.5 hours but still it continued. I stopped a couple of times but then I just had to get home, poor little man was making his throat sore from screaming, it's heart breaking. I was meant to be going meeting my friend at 2 but I have cancelled as I just can't put him through it again.

Poor little puffy eyes

He sat for ages with me in the car when we got in and just cuddled, still managing his lovely little smiles from time to time.

He only slept for 20mins this morning, he was merrily sleeping when I got to the chiropractic centre and I had to wake him up, I suspect this was half the issue. He is now snoozing in his pram after a massive meltdown when I put him down in it, his sleep is quite light though so I am having to just sit and watch him to catch it if he stirs and keep him snoozing. He needs to sleep well now and feel better.

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Party time success

All of the new mummies went out on Saturday night and we had a great time. The boys or grandma's were left in charge and off we trotted. All glammed up and looking stunning, we hit the town! We all coped incredibly well, as did those at home. Sunday was pretty painful though!

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That's more like it

Last night was much better thankfully. He went down at 7 as he hadn't really slept in the day so was shattered, he then woke at 8.30 for a top up I'd imagine and then went almost 7 hours.. And so did I!?

It was so nice being be to just relax and feed him without thinking I was doing something wrong. He happily suckled away for about 20 mins on each feed and then would unlatch. That woke me so I moved him back into his crib without a peep.

The little terror did decide that 5.30 was the best time to wake up though and has been quite the little grump since.

I say that, but he had an amazing time at swimming and was the most involved he's ever been, he's even started kicking his legs about.

Nap times are becoming notably less committed. I have to work really hard to keep him sleeping for longer than 20 mins! I'm currently stood in the conservatory, pushing his pram back and forth after walking to the park to settle him down. I keep praying nothing crazy noisy drives past the house!

Stick with your instincts

Snoozing at the breastfeeding clinic

So after my melt down last night, I had a good talk with Tom and my mum and both just said to me that I need to follow my instincts and do what feels right for us. This is something I have harped on about before and it's annoying that I ventured away from that with this, I guess that's part of being a novice though.

If Leo wants to wake to feed at night, then that just what I am going to do. If he wants to feed to sleep then that also what I am going to do. I have put him back in his swaddle until we move the cot down at the weekend and then we will see how that goes. I am sure it will all take time to settle down as I have messed with our routine, but I feel better just doing what we were doing and going with it.

Kate, the lactation consultant that came to see me the other day, posted two very apt articles on Facebook today. She must have felt my pain. One was  the benefits of night time breastfeeding  and the other was about  the benefits of comfort feeding  

Now, I know you can always find an article that fits your exact opinion, but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It does annoy me that I feel I need to have other people justify my gut instincts. I just need to trust in me and my little family unit and don't mess with things that are doing just fine. If Leo needs me in the night then he can have me, I genuinely don't care. I do care about introducing anxiety into a situation where I have worked very hard to never have it, even throughout pregnancy. When he is ready to sleep through he will and I will be ready to wake up and express even single time!

Sleep training sleeplessness

Leo's sleeping has never been a source of stress for me until someone pointed out that you can't feed them to sleep forever. He was regularly going 6 hours first stint at least.

Since starting the sleep training mission, he hasn't gone more than 4 without a battle that results in me being awake for hours, stressing about what we are doing. I've come to enjoy the 'if it doesn't feel right it isn't' approach to parenting and I am starting to feel like that with this.

He is settling within 15mins at night, but it's as if his sleep isn't as restful for some reason, this could be simply down to no longer being swaddled but could also mean his sleep has more anxiety. So does that mean I should still be swaddling him?

I feel like we haven't given it a full chance however, as we haven't made the most of creating a sensory environment and he is actually too big for the crib and should be moved into his cot. I didn't really want to move him into his own room yet, but realistically, I think it is the only way to achieve the environment suggested as optimum and would also give us our space back.

It's frustrating as we don't actually have a living room outside of our bedroom, so I feel pretty restricted by this, but I just need to get my head around the fact that we don't have that and people cope without that too so just get on with it. I'd be lying if I said it is easy for me to get over that as I find it a daily source of stress at the minute.. However, we aren't in a position to buy our own place right now so what can you do?!

I can feel myself getting really mad every night at the minute though. Not at Leo, just the situation. I want to sort stuff in the day, but it's impossible by myself as I can't move the cot from upstairs, the TV out of the nursery, the bean bags (don't get me started on the f*&+ING bean bags) out of the nursery, set the sensory stuff up (just getting around to buying distilled water for the tube is apparently impossible) pick Ewan up from our friends that live about 3 miles away (also an impossible task it would seem) have enough space to do everything and have it all ready for that evening. Tom doesn't get in until 6 and then we start the evening routine of tea and then bed time for Leo. We are then captive in silence and darkness in our end of the house, so can't even do anything once Leo is sleeping or we will wake him up.

Weekends we apparently are incapable of achieving anything, the day just doesn't flow well as you are constantly fitting stuff in around nap times and having a tiny bit of a life if possible and spending time together.

I think tomorrow, I will sack off my baby sign class as it just mucks up my day. I will walk into Knutsford in the morning and post the last eBay item I have to get rid of, so that can stop playing on my mind (I recommend never selling anything on eBay when you have a small child and only one car) . I will then attempt to find some distilled water, although there is a chance that I won't be able to carry that or fit it under the pushchair and then will start moving everything out of the nursery.

I have issues with patience at the best of times, but this has been rumbling for a few weeks now so stands to make me really mad and that is something I want to avoid at all costs!

Latest noticeable development

Over the past week it has been really obvious that something has changed with the way Leo sees things, specifically people.

He tips his head back and just stares right at you with such intent that I would love to know what's going on. I read up and about now they have depth perception so can only assume it's something to do with that and he is just relearning the finer details of everyone's faces. I absolutely love it, mum claims she finds it a little unnerving! I'm not sure what she thinks he is going to do, make a sudden leap for the jugular or something!

It reminds me of how he stared as a newborn, you feel like he is just absorbing every inch of your face into memory.

He also clearly seeks Tom and I out if he hears our voices and follows us around the room.

There have been no further physical development that is obvious. He still occasionally rolls from his front to his back, but rolling the other way is of no interest to him at all. It's really interesting watching all the NCT babies develop in totally different ways, each one has totally different motivation to do things and it's really a treat to watch. Nature at its best

Snot monster

Super serious moment!

Whilst there doesn't appear to be any signs of hand, foot and mouth still today; last night was a bit disrupted. The poor little man was struggling with excess phlegm and it was really upsetting his sleep. He started fidgeting and struggling about 11 and was on and off until 2am when he woke up to feed and then was just so congested I couldn't put him down, to make matters worse, I woke up with a horrible stabbing pain in my side. It's one I do get periodically, but not ideal when you're trying to soothe an unhappy baby.

At this point I was so tired from the 3 hours of disruption and pain that I had to wake Tom up to take over. He made me a hot water bottle for my tummy and took Leo off into the other room. This allowed me to have another couple of hours sleep and Tom managed to get Leo back off to sleep for an hour or so.

It's so distressing that there is basically nothing you can do to help. He has the drops, the vapouriser, the chest rub and I burn the essential oils whilst we are awake but the phlegm is moving when he breaths so glues him up and upsets him.

Super Grandma she-she services

I had my haircut again today and grandma she-she was on baby duty. I'm not sure how people manage something as simple as a haircut if they don't have the amazing grandparent services that I am spoilt with!

I am going out on Saturday with all of the girls I am friends with through NCT. It's our first brave outing without babies and drinking since we met and I think we are all torn between really looking forward to it and also panicking about leaving the babes behind.

Tom has been practicing settling him to sleep and he does a brilliant job, it's just bottle feeding in the night that is new. However, I have total faith in Tom and his ability to deal with everything and he has such a great bond with Leo that it's just not going to be an issue. I won't be back really late, but I have no intention of being in a fit state to handle our child!

It's also a strange sensation, now that I am mother it feels a bit wrong wearing high heels and a short dress as I would happily have done so before.. However, I haven't got anything else to wear so inappropriate it is!