Another first missed

We were all set to take Leo to his first festival today, but as seems to be the theme for us, we had to cancel because he's so poorly.

He has been fairly unhappy all day, not really touched his food and just uncomfortable in general. His naps haven't been very restful either unfortunately. He didn't even managed a trip into Knutsford to grab some food and he loves going in the trolley.

I hate that he has missed out on so much and has basically missed any birthday weekend plans we had. I'm so glad we managed a little outing on his actual birthday day. We aren't going to be defeated though, I will carry those birthday banners around with us everywhere until we manage to throw a party for him!

It's currently 1.15 am and my section of the night shift. He's very restless and keeps thrashing around in pain. I can't get comfortable as the last few days has sadly taken its toll on my back, when it was doing so well. Fun times

Stupidly, I have been sat looking at everyone's pictures of amazing weekend action they've had with their kids in the sun and it's really upset me. I know Leo's health could be 100 times worse, but it could also be a shit tonne better. I think we have all done our time and effort with illness now, I feel it's robbing us all of so much now and there is chuff all I can do about it. I think every time I post on here he is ill and I post a lot

The latest

Smiling because I get cuddles!

Today's illness has been brought to you by viral tonsillitis! Another trip to the out of hours service and some numbing throat spray later, hopefully the little man can get some relief.

He started drooling and being a bit grizzly yesterday, I found it strange as he has never really been dribbly when teething, but against my better judgement I decided I was just being paranoid. Surely he hadn't got something else wrong with him.

Last night was up there in competition for the top spot as far as bad nights go. He was so unhappy and nothing touched whatever was bothering him. Still drooling away this morning, but a bit happier than the day before so I didn't bother calling hehe out of hours service. He then proceeded to vomit twice, from the amount of drool he was swallowing I guess and just got worse. Off to A&E we go.

We got referred to a pediatrician and he gave us the spray. Let's hope the lat Sr virus leaves him alone soon! We have plans tomorrow, so it's not surprising he's ill

Where did that go!?

Leo was 1 on Wednesday, I can't believe where that's gone! We had a fantastic day, an early beach trip and some playing in the sand followed by a visit to the falconry centre up the road.

If you'd have told me a few years ago this is where we would be and it would be the most incredible journey of our lives, I wouldn't have believed it.. But it's insane, we never imagined having a little us would be this amazing and enrich our lives, when we thought we were already pretty perfect as we were!

Well, that was stupid

I only went and flippin' jinxed us didn't I! Cough, cough, cough, cough last night damn it!

Hopefully it's just his teeth, only time will tell though! #gottabehisteeth

I'm getting there

20 degrees at 5.30am!

I'm making tonnes of progress in the back department, I'm made up. Managed my first full plank yesterday, I only held it for about seconds but there was no pain!

Leo is doing great too, he's feeling the heat wave a little but he's a happy baby which is always a bonus. He is also coughing way less so sleeping loads better. I'm still working on sleeping through though.

His referral came through for pediatrics, I couldn't book him in until September though so I've kept just in case!

Long day today, just making the most of a semi cool gym before braving the boiling office!

Huel powered

Whilst I was planning my return to work and exercising in my lunch break, I was faced with the fact I needed to find something quick and nutritious that I could eat in my way back from the gym, as I could take an hour then sit down and eat and I wanted to maximise my gum time.

After trying a few things I decided nothing was quite what I wanted and kept looking. I then remembered a while ago, Tom was telling me about a product someone had created that could replace every single meal in your day. It was exactly the correct balance of vitamins and minerals that your body needed, but it was American based only. Not to worry, there is now a UK equivalent called Huel and it is actually pretty tasty and it's incredible how satisfied you feel after having it.

What I have also found is that it takes the extra time, effort and thought process out of meal prep in the week. Tom has taken to having it for breakfast too. It also has the added benefit of working out at about £1.35 a meal!

After reviewing our unacceptable ability to waste fresh food, I decided today that we were going to just have this for all of our meals in the week and then it frees our evenings up to. Leo had all of his meals in nursery and I can have snack items in the house for him that don't perish quickly.

We will see how it goes, but giving us the exact nutrition a body requires for under £4 a day each, whilst stripping down our food waste and freeing up our time together then it's a no brainer!

It's amazing!

A peaceful night, a happy baby and I only woke up twice! Shame it makes you feel like you've been hit by a bus!

The Holy grail of sleeping through still eludes me but I will achieve it some day soon, I can feel it!

I had amazing cuddles this morning too, he climbed onto my knee, put his little head on my shoulder and fiddled with my hair for ages. So gorgeous

Poor babe

Merrily playing

Friday night he was plagued by a fever that meant he couldn't settle, Tom and I worked our shift work magic and this morning it had passed.

He clearly wasn't right all day, lots of dribbling and refusing to eat, but being amazing as usual.

Saturday night he was clearly struggling even more. He kept waking, screaming, so cuddle shifts once more.

He also seems to have a fungal nappy rash to add to his discomfort, not a nice addition at all.

We decided to go to the out of hours GP yesterday morning and thank god we did. His left ear drum was on the verge of bursting, so, more antibiotics here we come. In addition to that though, he has what looks like hand, foot and mouth disease so no wonder his opting for nil by mouth.

Last night was disrupted and a couple of times he woke up screaming and settling him was tough. He woke at 1.30 on my shift and we just cuddled until 3, he was wide awake but just chilling on me in a number of different rooms in the dark, which of course was just lovely! It's a shame it's at the expense of his health.

He's been at home with daddy looking after him today and all has gone well. He still isn't that keen on food but plenty of fluid has gone down, which is what I worry about.

I'm off for a sports massage, I have horrific nerve pain shooting down both legs for some reason! This should ease it then I have physio on Wednesday.. And it goes on!

Neeext!

Leo has seemed so much better the last couple of nights, his cough has really died down. He's got nasty nappy rash from a missed poop at nursery, but other than that he's been great.

I actually managed some decent sleep last night too, things are looking up...... Until just now, I took Leo's temp as he felt warm and it's almost 39 degrees. I was out with him and thought he was warm, assumed it was his teeth though as he wasn't being grouchy but took his temp when I got home anyway, clearly it isn't his teeth.

There is a nasty cold going around nursery apparently, I guess it's that. That should knock him back for another few weeks and if it goes to his chest, as all things seem to, then who knows when we'll all get another good night hey!

Plus side, my back has felt tonnes better for the break; minus side, Sammy decided to attack the next door neighbours dog through the fence and I fell a right cropper trying to get him back, back is once again returned to fucked status.

Pretty perfect really

I have MISSED this

Today is what all standard workers lovingly refer to as hump day. For me, these lovely Wednesdays are my super productive day.

It's the day I do an 11 hour shift to make up my hours, I go to the gym before work and have a good 1.5hr session. Currently I can only do low intensity stuff, but damn I have missed it.

I have done a workout in both my lunch hours for the past two days and they aren't long enough, but I'm taking them and when I can start pushing it then I will achieve much more from a quick HITT session.

This morning I started my day at 3.30 when I woke up to a sleeping baby. He'd not moved since 10 the night before and obviously I then had to go in and check him. He was fine, sleeping really heavily, but so much better! Obviously at this point my brain kicked in to all the stuff I needed to do today and things I hadn't done already.. Sleep was a thing dreams are made of at this point, so I got up properly.

I have no doubt that today is going to be tough and I will my beautiful boy horrendously as he will also be snoozing when I get home! But I am back on it and I love it!

Day 1, done

It was my first official day back of full time work. I've been doing keep in touch days, so it was no big deal, it will be a gradual decline of energy as the week goes on I'd imagine.

Leo had a terrible night last night, and we (Tom and me) both ended up being wide awake by 3.30 so we sat watching TV and had a brew. Needless to say, it made for a ridiculously long day.

It was the first day back at the gym too. I forgot my sports bra and was too hot in the kit I took, so could do very little. Not too bad though, as I can't do much anyway. It felt good to be back there though.

Tonight isn't shaping up to be much better, sleep wise, so I'd imagine tomorrow will be a trek.. Just got to keep on plodding.. These bloody teeth!

Basic decency

One thing my journey to becoming the best person I can be has really drawn my attention to, is just how many unnecessarily hurtful, rude, arrogant and conceited people there are in the world. A lot of these people don't even realise just how much their behaviour can affect the people around them and it scares me that I won't be able to protect Leo from such people.

I've always struggled with mindless cruelty, verbal or physical. I hate the thought of people laughing at the expense of another and as a result, I am very easy to wind up. I then see it as my short fall that I bite and it suddenly dawned on me that that is bullshit.

I had an incident yesterday where a man I know, took banter (which I have no issues with) to another level and was just plain rude to me. I bit and was pretty abusive back. I'm not proud of my response, I spent the whole afternoon and evening beating myself up for reacting so badly. After talking to Tom and another of my friends about it, I realised that actually, whilst not an ideal response for me to have, it was him who was blatantly out of order.

When I first met this guy, I didn't warm to him, but as I have been working on myself and how I interact with people, I made an effort to put that aside. Tom also has a friendship with him and I didn't want to get in the way of that. What I know, and have always known, is my first instincts about people is normally pretty accurate. I've given him a fair chance and he has now abused that and I am done.

I will tolerate him, we share friends so I won't jeopardise that, I am undecided if I will bother to confront him on it, but I will never let him negatively affect my space ever again. I have the choice to not let people like that into my world, and that has now been exercised.

There are many people I meet that I see struggling with themselves, to improve on things they see as impediments and I salute these people. It's the blinkered narcissistic arseholes that I will not make time for and for the first time ever, I feel whole heartedly justified and will not feel bad for being that way, regardless of whether or not they think it makes me a dick. They will make no special dispensations for my personality, so I certainly will not for theirs and my personality is far superior to theirs. I know I make an effort to improve the life of people I interact with, I don't think he could say the same, if he ever even cared.

Reality kick

I think today a little bit of reality has hit me. I've been burying my head in the sand and the fact I go back to work tomorrow has dug me up so to speak!

I haven't had an unbroken nights sleep in over 11 months, the last 5 being the hardest of them all because Leo has been poorly and I've been in pain. I have been in pain of some sort daily since February, and not being comfortable even when you go to bed, is absolutely draining. It drains the soul.

I am also going to be cramming a huge amount into my day, whilst going back to healthy eating and a calorie deficit. My job is incredibly full on and very stressful and keeping my cool is absolutely paramount and was tough even when I felt good about myself, hadn't had a year off and was getting 9 hours of sleep a night.

I'm also a creature of habit, I really struggle with a routine change and I like my days to flow. This will take a few weeks to bed in too and it's going to be a huge upheaval for both Leo and me.

To add to it all, I will also be worrying about Leo being in nursery all day and it being a huge new deal for him.

Tom suggested staggering the healthy eating in once I am back into the swing of things, but feeling rubbish about myself and not fitting into my clothes properly is even worse than the prospect of not eating cake!

It's really hard to be the best version of yourself all the time, to think it is possible would be delusional; that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

This will pass, I already feel a bit better for acknowledging it. I am sitting here with my SI joint throbbing away though, but hey ho!

Cough update

Still coughing! I took him to the docs on Thursday to see what the next step is and we have been referred for a chest x-ray.

This immediately bothered me and I tried to nudge the doctor towards sending us to an ENT first or a paediatrician, but she seemed stuck on this being the next step.

I have done some reading and whilst there is radiation exposure, it's very little and at least we can rule out other, more sinister things. Or, worst case, rule them in and treat them! But I don't want to think like that.

He's currently coughing his way through his first hour of snoozing right now, so I'm happy it needs to happen.

Physio

My multi pronged attack on my back pain included a trip go to my brutal, but amazing, cross fit physio. Obviously, I don't do cross fit but I found him through a friend who does.

He never fails to inflict immense pain on me, but he is brilliant. Wednesday night was no different, he concurred with the view of my other therapists about where the issue was and it is causing the facet joint of my sacroiliac joint to lock up. The most likely cause being my pelvis returning to pee birth shape and doing a be job of it and being aggravated by holding Leo.

He has given me a load of exercises and stretches I can do and has agreed that the best way forward is to strip down the body fat and then strengthen the core, lower back and glutes. It's a long process, but I will get there.