Cruisin' along on my little feet....

Despite being riddled with snot and illness, our amazing little man is still progressing well. I'm sure he would be progressing quicker if he wasn't struggling, but progress is progress. He's currently getting to grips with what I believe is known as cruising.

He hasn't grasped the fact that not everything is stable, but he's getting there and has little bruised knees and shins to prove it.

It's so lovely seeing them master something new, and seeing the untarnished enthusiasm and determination that they posses at this age.

More drugs

Still managing to smile for his daddy

The ear infection is back, or never fully cleared, whichever it may be. We have another course of antibiotics, but a different type this time.

We had a very scary night on Wednesday night, Leo's temperature was reading 35.5 and I didn't think much of it at about 10.30 as I was conditioned to be looking for a high temperature. I then took it again at 2ish and it was 35.1 and the thermometer signalled blue. I called NHS direct and they were really quite concerned. Anything under 35 is classed as hypothermia, Tom cuddled him whilst I spoke to them and a nurse called back pretty much instantly. She advised me to feed him and wrap him up to bring up his core temperature, he was still responsive and not floppy so she said it was entirely up to us if we went in or not. We chose not to as he hates the car at the best of times, she advised to call an ambulance immediately if any negative change.

He was really quite lively the next day, happy and full of smiles but then his temp started to creep up again and he struggled last night and was horribly congested, poor little man. He seemed worse again today, so back to the docs as we have the bank holiday weekend upon us.

Ear infection is clearing up, still there in the right ear, even though it was the left one that was worse initially. Carry on doing what we are doing and go from there.

It's so hard to watch him constantly struggle and he just gets on with it. He rarely cries about it but just can't settle at night because of all of the congestion. Fingers crossed he will be coming out the other side soon, I know for definite I will keep going back to the docs if this left nostril doesn't dry up, it never has done and was potentially an indication there was still a bit of infection.

I'm currently on the way to work for a tech team meeting, I feel so bad leaving them behind but it's a meeting we have been trying to organise for months, I'm also out with all the team after work but have told Tom to get me back immediately if he's struggling. Mum and dad can help, but sometimes babies just want their mummy! Although Leo isn't really like that, it does feel wrong to be out when he isn't well.

When will it end

My poor little man has another illness. Temperature, more snot, increased cough, puffy eyes, disrupted sleep. Basically every orifice on his face is leaking and he's very unhappy.

Tom has started to feel ill too and my throat is playing up a bit.

I can't actually believe how long he has been poorly, it's almost 8 weeks since his first cold and it's just getting out of hand.

I took him to the docs this afternoon as he was just so unhappy, he has an ear infection again so more antibiotics. Not ideal but what can we do? I say again, I wonder if it's never quite gone.

Today (in fact yesterday now) was the anniversary of Tom and I first getting together, we nipped out to the local pub whilst mum minded Leo. When we got back, he was awake and crying, but as soon as mum passed him to me he settled, so now it's back to night time shift work again. Netflix catch up here we come, Tom did the first 3 hrs and Leo was pretty settled, I'm now on shift and his temp has gone up to 38.4 in an hour poor babe. Ibuprofen administered, now for it to kick in! I'm still really restricted to how much active soothing I can actually do because of my back, it's unfortunate I seemed to have coincided with restless baby! Lots of glute bumping and rocking and hoping it will suffice until he's in a deeper phase of sleep. Good job I don't have to work tomorrow really, oh, hang on, yeah I do! At least I'm getting a night of baby cuddles to make it all OK!

Next!

We are ill, AGAIN! This time he has conjunctivitis, he woke up on Friday morning with sticky eyes and I knew straight away we were done for! Whipped him to the docs in the afternoon, and after a pretty pointless appointment, we got some drops.

He isn't overly keen but we are managing to get them in, it's not got any worse but at the same time it isn't loads better. Nursery have said he can go in, but I will see as I'm working all week anyway and I don't want them to fight with him to get drops in.

I went to look at a different nursery yesterday, I'm just not settling with this one. They have said they will give me more feedback but it just not quite right for me and you have to follow your instincts!

Fun times

We've had some cracking weather the last couple of days and we've been attempting to make the most of it. Leo had his first sand encounter and he was pretty happy with it, it was certainly a lot more successful than our grass encounters to date

Don't make me touch it

He hasn't yet got used to the feeling of grass actually, funny little man.

We had a lovely walk in Tatton Park too, I was lucky enough to get a puncture at the top of the park and the only kit I had with me was a pump. I kept having to do some pulling apart of the wheel and pumping up, just so we could limp home!

I've been helping to look after my sisters youngest whilst she has been recovering from her surgery. Now that's an eye opener, I'm not sure how anyone manages two children under the age of two. I've been pretty proud of myself so far, but I have them both for the morning tomorrow and I'm all alone. I can cope fine until I need to put Leo down for a snooze without losing Seb and also hoping he stays quiet for long enough to let me get Leo to sleep. This isn't usually an issue as he drops off really quickly, typically, this wasn't the case today.

The next fun then comes when Seb needs a nap, he will only sleep in the car. Bearing in mind the Leo isn't the greatest when it comes to travelling, so tomorrow could be interesting!

We went to the docs for Leo's cough and she has prescribed a none steroid inhaler inhaler for use before bed and through the night if required. It's not asthma or an infection, it's just irritation in the airways that this will hopefully help. He seems to be coughing a little less, but it's still going strong and waking us up unfortunately, although he seems totally unperturbed with it so that's something.

His sleeping through appears to have been a two off also.. But thats OK as I missed him anyway!

Finally!

Leo has slept through the night without feeding for the best last two nights.. We however, have woken up every hour because of him coughing.

It's just not getting any better, in fact, I feel like he's getting worse! We've raised his head end of the bed, covered the place in baby olbas, covered him and his feet in snuffle babes rub, bought an humidifier, steamed him in the bathroom and still, no improvement. It breaks my heart.

We have a doc appointment tomorrow but I'm not convinced they will shed any light! It's so frustrating not being able to help and it's been going on for so long

So much disruption

Happy at nursery!

First proper morning at nursery on Monday whilst I was in work. We had a bit of a shaky start as he was really ready for a sleep about half an hour before we left; he's still struggling with his night sleeps because of phlegm and other unknown disturbances (teeth ;-)) and this is impacting his day sleeps. This first, early sleep that he is chasing again had gone completely just before he got poorly, but he needs it again now.

This meant that I got him in the car and he was grizzly. I had packed everything ready and into the previous night which helped a lot, and I promised myself I wouldn't rush him as I don't want to introduce any stress into the morning routine. This is our reconnection time after the night and before I go to work and leave him. Grizzly going into the car is never good news, the traffic on a Monday morning isn't great and I was a little worried about getting stuck and having a baby meltdown.

I reached a load of traffic before the motorway and he wasn't happy at all, so I turned off and went back around the country lanes for half an hour to get him to sleep, once sleeping, the traffic had cleared and we were off.

He was pretty good at nursery again, he refused to eat their food but took the milk I left for him which is good. They said he got upset in the high chair again, so I am going to take the travel high chair with me as he is better in this than a full size chair. I personally think it's also because he is tired when they do lunch time, he always gets mad at me if I try and feed him when he wants to sleep.

When I got there to pick him up, he was merrily snoozing and had been for over an hour. I got him home and he wolfed down some cheese on toast and then at tea time, he obliterated 4 fish fingers and a load of vegetables.

Last night's sleep was much better after a slightly shaky start with him coughing. He slept right through to 2am in his own cot and then through again till 6am in the cot next to our bed. Fingers crossed he's coming out the other side of this illness and he doesn't get anything else for a while! I'd like to say forever but that's just crazy talk!

Ditching the dairy

Leo's snot and cough just aren't clearing up, so I've decided to cut dairy out of his diet until it's sorted. He has almost seemed worse again at night when the phlegm settles on his chest.

He loves all things dairy, so it's going to require some extra work to be successful. I have got him some (scary expensive) coconut yoghurt and, after the initial shock, he seems happy with that. I also made some coconut milk to try on his breakfast, he wasn't mad keen on that but it was also the first time he had had weetabix.

I didn't want to go down the weetabix route, it contains pointless sugar that is easily avoided. However, I am conceding so that I can find something he will start to ear at nursery. The options in nursery are rice krispies, baby porridge (I don't want him to take a step back in what he's eating textures wise and he's well beyond that) or they make plain porridge for another baby who is lactose intolerant.

I thought the plain porridge was the best option, but he flat out refuses to eat it and gets quite upset when I keep trying. The last thing I want to do is create an eating issue just for the sake of a tiny bit of sugar. I asked them if they would make some stewed apple to go in the porridge, but they won't and they won't accept anything I've made at home, which I get.

As with everything in life, you need to pick your battles and I have decided that establishing a good eating routine is more important than hidden sugar for now. It's important that they enjoy what they are eating, especially in an environment where they don't have the capacity to spend 45mins at a meal like I do. If I'm introducing a new taste, sometimes I have to keep giving him it in-between bits of food I know he loves and he eventually gets it. If I just give him that new taste, he shuts down, and that is not what I want.

The other thing I have had to give in with, and this is the one that sits really badly for me, is the milk I am leaving him with. I have had to go for formula for when he is in nursery as he just straight up refuses to drink my frozen, expressed milk. I'm gutted, all the time and effort I put into storing it and it's useless. This excess lipase issue is a pain and I just wish I had realised when I was initially stock piling, now I just have a freezer full of wasted time. I can't even put it in food because it tastes horrific!

I had to reason with myself that he isn't eating the solid food they are giving him, so I can't leave him to starve and I have committed to being in work anyway. For the sake of one bottle a week, I am having to sadly opt for formula. I feel like a failure just writing it!

Streamlining

One thing I love to do, is streamline pretty much any process I possibly can. This is what makes me good at my job and it is something that I am naturally good at and enjoy!

The obvious one to attack is my morning routine with little man and getting to work. I want to maximise his sleep time, minimise any stress and enjoy that time with him as well as getting food of some sort into him before he goes to nursery. I also need to get him in the car before he is tired. The process has to start from the previous day.

Things like washing, meal prep, bag packing and car packing can all be done the evening before. I want as little as possible to impact on my post 3.30pm pick up time with Leo but I also want a bit of wind down time with Tom once Leo is in bed.. Balancing act!

I will put clothes/nappy washes on when I get home. I am going to stop washing nappies everyday as I want to wash them separately from our clothes, this will allow me to do a better wash job of them and also take up less days hanging stuff out! I need more nappies!

I am in the process of thinking up some easy week night meals, we will just do a rotation to keep it simple and then push the boat out at weekends. At least if Leo is eating in nursery in the day, I don't have to worry about that too. I need to have a lunch I can easily eat whilst walking back from the gym, as I plan on going most lunch times when back at work. I also need a breakfast I can eat whilst doing in a morning, so a healthy, nutrition packed muffin would be good and then have a yoghurt smoothie mid morning with my chia and Flax in it and I can just consume this at my desk.

My hair, makeup and getting dressed doesn't take long, I just need to have it out and ready! It's the food prep that is going to take some time to plan, but my main aim is to not have any stress. I want to have enough time to enjoy Leo as well as enough time to avoid tantrums and resistance as he gets older!

Something to work on

Phew!

Nursery was a success today. I got there to a happy little camper, sitting on one of the lady's knees whilst blowing raspberries. He'd had a nap, only half an hour but he tends to do that to begin with in a new place.

He took some milk off one of the staff, but wouldn't have any normal food. He'll get there with that though I'm sure.

We went and met Tom in Manchester for lunch and he wolfed down some fish fingers, so he was obviously hungry but didn't like what he was being given.

I feel so much better now. I do blame myself for yesterday as it was my fault, but I have accepted that and it wasn't intentional, just stupid and very out of character. I accept that people make mistakes though, so it's done with in my personal blame game now.

How I feel about it now

I still feel bad for yesterday, and even out of the shock and adrenaline, I believe I let Leo down. I failed to ensure he had everything he needed to be comfortable and I failed to communicate fully with his carers.

I feel I was blinded by not wanting to seem like a neurotic parent, that I fell short on my responsibility to Leo. I need to remember that he comes first and as long as I am doing everything in his best interests, I really couldn't care less what strangers think of me.

I have all of his kit ready today, but he is still not himself. He woke at 6 but didn't actually want to be awake so is asleep again from 7.30. He is curled up next to me, struggling with his snotty nose, poor babe.

I reckon he will be awake around 8.30, so this means that he will want to have a sleep about 11ish at nursery. This directly clashes with their lunchtime, not some I can help unfortunately and it will be interesting to see how they accommodate us. I will let them know that I am just outside and I will be coming back in about 10.45 to show them his sleep routine. Not sure how they will take this, but hey ho, that's what is happening.

I need to remember to not shy from my wants and be clear and concise in my communication.. Sod it if they think I'm a tit, I don't really care if they don't hold my views as long as they look after Leo.

That was unpleasant

Leo had his 3rd induction day at nursery today. Just a couple of hours but without me there at all. Unfortunately, as he has been poorly, the timings of sleep have been all over the place and clashed with the end of this session. I thought he'd be OK and manage the extra half an hour.. Well, I thought wrong. He was beside himself when I got there and they had tried to get him to snooze but he didn't want to know.

I totally forgot to take his sleep stuff with him, I had it all the day before and I'm so annoyed with myself. I've failed my little man on the first biggest challenge of his life and I feel physically sick. His little body was gasping with sadness when I got there.

I had contemplated moving the induction to next week but didn't, I wish I had now. I know I can't protect him from pain all his life, but I can do my best to have him as well prepared as possible, but I didn't and I am furious with myself for that.

Never ending; seriously!

So, after Leo seemed to be on the mend yesterday after sleeping loads through the day, he was so much more worse again last night. He developed a really raw sounding cough late on in the day and then this just irritated him through the night. We were back to sitting up with him slightly elevated so the catarrh didn't settle on his lungs.

Off to the docs this morning but he has no infection, no sore throat; basically just another cold. The doctor recommended not worrying about solid food and just get as much breastmilk into him as possible. It's frustrating as I just feel like all my thoughts on breastfeeding being best and not giving him refined sugar, processed food and cooking all organic and from scratch are basically being thrown back in my face. I know so many babies that are on formula and haven't been as ill as Leo recently. I did raise my loss of belief in magic breastmilk to the doctor, he just laughed a bit!

I will keep it up, I'm going to struggle of be as passionately convincing in a discussion regarding breastfeeding v formula and healthy food over convenience from now on though! I've even had to go back on my conviction of not needing to give him and multivitamin and have started on one as of a couple of days ago.

CBT001

I apologised.

This might not sound like a lot, but I'm not exactly hot on the apology front. In the past I've been fairly hostile towards people as my default mode, and it's not something I want to continue to be. As ever, Sarah has been brilliant in guiding me along the path to enlightenment and today was the first time I've taken steps to rectify a situation that definitely did not deserve hostility.

As I'm awake at 0400 I thought I might explain.

I bike to the train station each morning and there are a few others that do the same. As a cyclist on the train, you're generally grouped together so you get to know one another through "why are we doing this" chats throughout the winter. You also get to know what's good and bad about trains. Northern Rail, and now Arriva (franchise is changing hands on my line), have an interesting stock. Mostly it's very old and a bit battered but it's a train and I don't have anything negative to say. There are a few different models however, one of which seems almost entirely based around making life difficult for cyclists. Normally there's a space for bikes, but these models only have a space that's not big enough for a bike, so there's a lot of getting in the way of people.

Yesterday there was a new person AND a train sent to test us. The guy got on and I tried to help out by making room for him. Once he had his bike sorted, I put mine back against his and he immediately asked me to move it as his was brand new. This annoyed me, I think because if he'd mentioned this beforehand it would have been easier for me just to not do anything to try to help. I took my bike away and either muttered or tutted, I don't remember exactly.

About 10 minutes later, I was reading the news on my phone when it dawned on me that what I'd done was stupid. It was minor and nothing bad happened to anyone and the guy was just trying to keep his brand new and shiny bike from getting dirty. So I went and said sorry for being rude.

He was really happy to talk and also apologised for not mentioning anything when he got on. We had the "why are we doing this" chat as it was raining and then everything was settled.

And this is what I call progress. Baby steps for all.

It's funny what makes you feel bad

I am in the middle of Leo's induction at nursery, and as part of it you have to list dietary requirements.

As we don't like to eat meat that hasn't had a good, outdoor and free life, I chose to put Leo down as vegetarian. However, sometimes the vegetarian option is Quorn. I stopped using Quorn some years ago because of all the additives that are in it, so I then had to just say no processed meat i.e
Ham, bacon etc. I explained why, it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I then obviously said no refined sugar, I think this is becoming more common.. However, further on in the discussion Calpol was mentioned and I explained I'd rather have the sugar sweetened one than the sugar free; mindblown!

I also stated I didn't want him to have margarine or similar spreads, only butter, by that point I could tell she was becoming bored of me! I genuinely don't expect people to get it, that's not what has annoyed me. My apologetic approach to asking for it is what has annoyed me. I shouldn't give a shit if they think I'm a precious idiot, this is my choice and we are paying a fair wack for the service, so why shouldn't I have my say.

I need to work on that, I believe in what I feel about certain foods and additives, so why was I so pathetic?!

Zippy magic

Morning cuddles

I decided to put Leo back in his zippy to see if that helped him.. It did, beautifully. He slept right through to 2.30 in his own room and then through to 6 in the cot next to the bed.. Tom even got to sleep in bed rather than on the floor!

I'm just going to leave him in it for now, especially with going to nursery and being under the weather. Clearly he isn't ready to come out of it and there is no harm in leaving him in it anyway. I am going to fashion up something similar for him to go to nursery with, I say that like I'm a master sewer; I'm not!

He's still pretty snotty today but it's much thicker and his little chest sounds a bit sore so I will keep an eye on him and leave the doctors appointment in place for Thursday. I just need to know the ear infection is totally gone.

I've been thinking about how I am going to work everything when I am back working full time. I don't want to spend each afternoon doing chores once I have picked up Leo, so prep is key.

I need to get in the habit of making meals that freeze well and I can double up on. I am also just testing out some potential breakfast muffins that we can both eat on the way in, or at least Leo can and I can eat it whilst getting ready. My aim is to maximise our together time and not have to rush around. I love our slow, cuddly starts to the day and I want to try and keep those up as much as possible.

About 4 months ago I was listening to a podcast on which the presenters said something along the lines of "getting to 18 weeks of parenting makes you feel brilliant but you've not seen anything yet". I like to think I took notice.

Leo's now getting on for 8.5 months and he's going through some changes as usual, but this time we are at a loss to explain exactly what is happening. It's tough work through the night as he's not sleeping in any consistent blocks and waking up quite distressed. As ever, Sarah is being utterly brilliant and guiding him along his way, and hopefully I'm making enough of a difference where I can to allow everyone to be happy as possible.

We're still far away from my idea of Leo being a little man, which I defined to myself a while back as being able to walk and talk in some manner. But it's wonderful seeing his progress. He's climbing up us much more effectively and regularly, and much more stable in his ability to handle hunger, being tired and tolerance of frustrations. He's chatting to us with lots of different sounds too, moving toward to high pitched squeals that I know Sarah loves so much in other babies. I look forward to seeing how she copes with his calls to the wild.

This week we're picking up the new car. For the last 6 months we've been counting down the days to get rid of the Clio as it's not big enough to travel safely in with all of us alongside the luggage we need for a weekend away. The deadline is basically now for getting rid of it, although we may be a little early, but it is good to know we're moving on. Next up is saving for the house, and that'll be a fair way off still.

Researching cars is hard work. There's no site that's actually that useful for comparing reviews. Parkers is excellent in terms of details (although the new mobile friendly version seems mostly intent on hiding the previously well ordered information all over the place). Autotrader and others are mostly only useful for new cars. So it'd be nice to get a comparison site of all the stats in one place and actually group the cars effectively. Parkers for example tells you 3 alternatives to consider, but they're inconsistent so 1 car leads to 3 others but they may or may not link back and it's not possible to see the whole web.

In the end we went for the car that's best rated, cheapest to run and most spacious. So it seems odd everyone in the world isn't driving them. But more fool them. Bring on Wednesday and all our new estate entails.

Tough night, brave morning

So, last night was fairly bad as far as nights I've had with Leo go. He was sooo unsettled. It took Tom 45 mins to settle him down at bedtime, which is absolutely unheard of and then he woke hourly, pretty much all night. Even in bed with me he was incredibly restless and didn't want cuddles or anything like the night before.

He was really, really snotty again too but I don't think it's that disrupting him as I have seen him sleep soundly with worse!

Anyway, we soldiered on to his first intro session at nursery, this was an hour just in the baby room with me. He was absolutely fine, just crawled off and played with everything, as I expected.

He had a meltdown in the car on the way home as he was so tired, I had to pull over on the motorway and dig out a dummy.. Luckily it worked until almost home as it was chucking it down.

He's totally not himself, I wish I knew what it was so I could help him. I've just put him down for a late nap so he isn't exhausted at bedtime and I've had to put him in his zipedeezip as he just wouldn't settle. I'm going to have to take it with me to nursery as he has such a good association with it and I can't bear the thought of him not sleeping when he is in there!

Its got to be his teeth

If we say it often enough, we might get it right eventually! He's be so off again, not happy at all and really quite snotty again. He rejected boob one day and the next he didn't want anything but. He ended up with terrible nappy rash yesterday that made him wince and isn't sleeping properly again. I don't want to think it's another cold, so we keep blaming his teeth!

It's never ending at the minute and I find it really demoralising. I work so hard to make sure he has organic, freshly made, balanced meals daily yet he just seems to be constantly ill. For the first time ever I wonder if it's worth the time, effort and money. No one else I know faffs about with it like I do and their babies aren't constantly poorly! I feel like I'm failing him and is so frustrating.

He also has his nursery induction starting tomorrow, that's not really what the poor little man needs to add to the distress of whatever is going on for him now!

On a lighter note, he had his first feel of grass today.

Gently checking out a daisy.. So unlike him

Mucky pup

Oh, I'm not sure I like the feel of that actually!

When he first touched it he was really quite unsure and just kept balancing on his tummy so his hands were off the ground!