Dark times

I try not to let negativity creep in ever, but it's unrealistic. I haven't had an uninterrupted nights sleep since Leo was born and it has been verging on unbearable since February. To add to the sleep deprivation, I know have chronic back pain. Every single thing I do, every single day involves pain. It then comes to the evening and I become anxious as I know that a broken night of Leo coughing or me coughing and fighting constantly because of the pain, lies ahead.

I feel bitterness creeping in that the doctors don't take it more seriously, that I am going to be going back to work in a state not fit for anything and there is nothing I can do but struggle onwards. I'm so sick of not being comfortable, I'm so sick of dreading picking up my beautiful boy for a cuddle, I and I am so utterly sick of coughs waking me up that it makes me never want to sleep. There is absolutely zero enjoyment in a sleep for me now, I'm just constantly on edge, waiting.

Give me back my nights of feeding every 3 hours, at least they were restful and enjoyable with brief movements of intimacy to be cherished instead of hot and uncomfortable times of discomfort and frustration. It's shit right now, I'm not going to lie and I'm on the precipice of having my whole world turned upside down once again. Enough already