That's more like it

Last night was much better thankfully. He went down at 7 as he hadn't really slept in the day so was shattered, he then woke at 8.30 for a top up I'd imagine and then went almost 7 hours.. And so did I!?

It was so nice being be to just relax and feed him without thinking I was doing something wrong. He happily suckled away for about 20 mins on each feed and then would unlatch. That woke me so I moved him back into his crib without a peep.

The little terror did decide that 5.30 was the best time to wake up though and has been quite the little grump since.

I say that, but he had an amazing time at swimming and was the most involved he's ever been, he's even started kicking his legs about.

Nap times are becoming notably less committed. I have to work really hard to keep him sleeping for longer than 20 mins! I'm currently stood in the conservatory, pushing his pram back and forth after walking to the park to settle him down. I keep praying nothing crazy noisy drives past the house!

Stick with your instincts

Snoozing at the breastfeeding clinic

So after my melt down last night, I had a good talk with Tom and my mum and both just said to me that I need to follow my instincts and do what feels right for us. This is something I have harped on about before and it's annoying that I ventured away from that with this, I guess that's part of being a novice though.

If Leo wants to wake to feed at night, then that just what I am going to do. If he wants to feed to sleep then that also what I am going to do. I have put him back in his swaddle until we move the cot down at the weekend and then we will see how that goes. I am sure it will all take time to settle down as I have messed with our routine, but I feel better just doing what we were doing and going with it.

Kate, the lactation consultant that came to see me the other day, posted two very apt articles on Facebook today. She must have felt my pain. One was  the benefits of night time breastfeeding  and the other was about  the benefits of comfort feeding  

Now, I know you can always find an article that fits your exact opinion, but I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It does annoy me that I feel I need to have other people justify my gut instincts. I just need to trust in me and my little family unit and don't mess with things that are doing just fine. If Leo needs me in the night then he can have me, I genuinely don't care. I do care about introducing anxiety into a situation where I have worked very hard to never have it, even throughout pregnancy. When he is ready to sleep through he will and I will be ready to wake up and express even single time!

Sleep training sleeplessness

Leo's sleeping has never been a source of stress for me until someone pointed out that you can't feed them to sleep forever. He was regularly going 6 hours first stint at least.

Since starting the sleep training mission, he hasn't gone more than 4 without a battle that results in me being awake for hours, stressing about what we are doing. I've come to enjoy the 'if it doesn't feel right it isn't' approach to parenting and I am starting to feel like that with this.

He is settling within 15mins at night, but it's as if his sleep isn't as restful for some reason, this could be simply down to no longer being swaddled but could also mean his sleep has more anxiety. So does that mean I should still be swaddling him?

I feel like we haven't given it a full chance however, as we haven't made the most of creating a sensory environment and he is actually too big for the crib and should be moved into his cot. I didn't really want to move him into his own room yet, but realistically, I think it is the only way to achieve the environment suggested as optimum and would also give us our space back.

It's frustrating as we don't actually have a living room outside of our bedroom, so I feel pretty restricted by this, but I just need to get my head around the fact that we don't have that and people cope without that too so just get on with it. I'd be lying if I said it is easy for me to get over that as I find it a daily source of stress at the minute.. However, we aren't in a position to buy our own place right now so what can you do?!

I can feel myself getting really mad every night at the minute though. Not at Leo, just the situation. I want to sort stuff in the day, but it's impossible by myself as I can't move the cot from upstairs, the TV out of the nursery, the bean bags (don't get me started on the f*&+ING bean bags) out of the nursery, set the sensory stuff up (just getting around to buying distilled water for the tube is apparently impossible) pick Ewan up from our friends that live about 3 miles away (also an impossible task it would seem) have enough space to do everything and have it all ready for that evening. Tom doesn't get in until 6 and then we start the evening routine of tea and then bed time for Leo. We are then captive in silence and darkness in our end of the house, so can't even do anything once Leo is sleeping or we will wake him up.

Weekends we apparently are incapable of achieving anything, the day just doesn't flow well as you are constantly fitting stuff in around nap times and having a tiny bit of a life if possible and spending time together.

I think tomorrow, I will sack off my baby sign class as it just mucks up my day. I will walk into Knutsford in the morning and post the last eBay item I have to get rid of, so that can stop playing on my mind (I recommend never selling anything on eBay when you have a small child and only one car) . I will then attempt to find some distilled water, although there is a chance that I won't be able to carry that or fit it under the pushchair and then will start moving everything out of the nursery.

I have issues with patience at the best of times, but this has been rumbling for a few weeks now so stands to make me really mad and that is something I want to avoid at all costs!

Latest noticeable development

Over the past week it has been really obvious that something has changed with the way Leo sees things, specifically people.

He tips his head back and just stares right at you with such intent that I would love to know what's going on. I read up and about now they have depth perception so can only assume it's something to do with that and he is just relearning the finer details of everyone's faces. I absolutely love it, mum claims she finds it a little unnerving! I'm not sure what she thinks he is going to do, make a sudden leap for the jugular or something!

It reminds me of how he stared as a newborn, you feel like he is just absorbing every inch of your face into memory.

He also clearly seeks Tom and I out if he hears our voices and follows us around the room.

There have been no further physical development that is obvious. He still occasionally rolls from his front to his back, but rolling the other way is of no interest to him at all. It's really interesting watching all the NCT babies develop in totally different ways, each one has totally different motivation to do things and it's really a treat to watch. Nature at its best

Snot monster

Super serious moment!

Whilst there doesn't appear to be any signs of hand, foot and mouth still today; last night was a bit disrupted. The poor little man was struggling with excess phlegm and it was really upsetting his sleep. He started fidgeting and struggling about 11 and was on and off until 2am when he woke up to feed and then was just so congested I couldn't put him down, to make matters worse, I woke up with a horrible stabbing pain in my side. It's one I do get periodically, but not ideal when you're trying to soothe an unhappy baby.

At this point I was so tired from the 3 hours of disruption and pain that I had to wake Tom up to take over. He made me a hot water bottle for my tummy and took Leo off into the other room. This allowed me to have another couple of hours sleep and Tom managed to get Leo back off to sleep for an hour or so.

It's so distressing that there is basically nothing you can do to help. He has the drops, the vapouriser, the chest rub and I burn the essential oils whilst we are awake but the phlegm is moving when he breaths so glues him up and upsets him.

Super Grandma she-she services

I had my haircut again today and grandma she-she was on baby duty. I'm not sure how people manage something as simple as a haircut if they don't have the amazing grandparent services that I am spoilt with!

I am going out on Saturday with all of the girls I am friends with through NCT. It's our first brave outing without babies and drinking since we met and I think we are all torn between really looking forward to it and also panicking about leaving the babes behind.

Tom has been practicing settling him to sleep and he does a brilliant job, it's just bottle feeding in the night that is new. However, I have total faith in Tom and his ability to deal with everything and he has such a great bond with Leo that it's just not going to be an issue. I won't be back really late, but I have no intention of being in a fit state to handle our child!

It's also a strange sensation, now that I am mother it feels a bit wrong wearing high heels and a short dress as I would happily have done so before.. However, I haven't got anything else to wear so inappropriate it is!

A lurking terror!

My sisters youngest has hand, foot and mouth and he was here on Wednesday when mum and my sister were watching Leo for me (I had breast scan appointment) the incubation period is 3 - 7 days and I'm a nervous wreck.

Leo has been a little random with his feeding over the last couple of days, but he does have a slightly snuffly nose too which could explain it. I have kept him away from the other babies I know since we found out and I feel like I'm playing a horrible waiting game.

I noticed a little white dot on his gum today and also a little red one too, I'm am hoping on everything that he has just scratched himself or something and it's not that. He hasn't got a temperature yet at least and it does tend to come with one.

My sisters poor little boy hasn't wanted to eat or drink and has been up every half an hour for the past few night, screaming his little head off as his mouth blisters are so sore.

There is nothing that you can give them either, you just have to ride it out. I don't know how I will cope having to watch my little man suffer and not be able to get comfort from the boob either. It'll be horrific. I can express and syringe to try and keep him hydrated but on a selfish note, it's going to wreak havoc with my boob that doesn't express properly!

Fingers, toes, everything possible crossed he doesn't have it.

A small rant

For anyone who knows me well enough, especially since embarking on a health and fitness journey, they will know how much it annoys me when PT's merrily tout supplements to normal gym goers. Most normal gym users can get absolutely everything they need from good, clean food and this is the form that benefits the body the most and allows for optimum absorption.

There is no scientific backing to supplements and no proof they are anything more than a money spinner. I personally think they stand to do more harm than good when used by people who do not require high levels of protein etc beyond what they can healthily eat.

Anyway, my friend and I (both breastfeeding) went to spin today at one of the local leisure centres. She regularly attended whilst she was pregnant so the PT who took the class was enquiring as to how she was getting on. When she said that she feels weaker than she expected to and couldn't lift the weights she could even during her last week of pregnancy. His suggestion: use gatoraid whilst you're working out and take a good supplement.

What a tit. Caffeine loaded shite and a tin of powdered bullshit for dessert, he must be insane. I wouldn't full my body with that even if I wasn't breastfeeding, it's scary what these so called professionals dish out via ways of advice. If we weren't quite as switched on as we are, we may have gone with that advice and have ourselves some wired babies and do untold damage at the same time!